Thank You Lord

Dear Lord, thank You for my beloved ones. Bless them all, let my warm thoughts and cares protect them, support them in whatever they do, wherever they are....

Dear Lord, thank You for all of my friends and acquaintances, for cheering me up when I'm at the lowest and lonely, for speaking through them when I need most.....

Dear Lord, thank You for the unknown people and things you send along whenever I need an inspiration or a reminder......

Dear Lord, thank You for all of the time you granted me for having fun, even when I didn't deserved it at all.....

Dear Lord, thank You for all the time of troubles you presented to me, making me appreciate the little nice things I have in my hands.....

Dear Lord, thank You for the angel to watch over me, protecting me from a hard fall by sending those alarms into my conscience....

Dear Lord, thank You for catching me when I fall, turn on the light when I get lost, even before I ask for help....

Dear Lord, thank You for all of those nights when I could leave all of my troubles behind and dream all of the sweet things....

Dear Lord, thank You for each of the days I spend to solve most of my troubles, make me realize of my strength, make me grow wiser and wiser...

 

Thank you, Lord, for all you've done for me.......
(My personal novena, as written for my FB status before my birthday. I'm now 17 going on 39....hihihi....)

My Angel Name

Recently, while I was browsing my Facebook account, my eyes got caught at the application namely Angel Name Generator. I love this name generator and had played several times before. Since I was curious what my angel name would be, I played the generator. And the result was........NATHANIEL The Angel of Fire.

The first time I saw the name, all I could thought was: "Huh?????"....hahahaha.....I didn't know any angel named Nathaniel. And it made me more curious. So, I googled the name and found two websites that gave a clear description about Nathaniel.

According to Worldwide Mediums and Psychics, Angel of Fire Nathaniel means "gift of God". He is lord over the element of fire, a powerful gift from God. He is constantly watching for spiritual fires of aspiration rising from earth. He transfers the fire aspect of divinity to our world where it transforms consciousness from the limited self to the eternal self by burning away misconceptions that would have us believe that we are separate from God.

Okay, I couldn't understand 100% what those words above meant...hehehe... Then I searched through google once again, and found this interesting blog...

Actually, the article in the blog was about an oracle card, which called Angel Nathaniel. I quoted a part that drew my attention:

.......... When this card comes to us it means that Angel Nathaniel is guiding us to call upon him so that he can bring these divine flames to whatever is limiting us as an obstacle at the moment. When one is being cleansed of something, it tends to show up in the forms of:

• becoming super aware of what needs to be changed in life, what action needs to be taken in order to produce forward movement,
• the sudden desire to withdraw from interactions and beliefs that tend to limit our power instead of helping us to embrace it,
• the desire to become clear about what needs to be organized within our lives so that we can create a deeper sense of focus, concentration, and the understanding of what our true goals are.

Angel Nathaniel also brings the awareness of healthy limitation as fire can be a symbol of energy that needs to be used with caution, respect, and boundries.

When I read and tried to absorbe the meaning of those sentences above, I suddenly remembered about my previous writing about the confused feeling in me. And I was a little shocked when realized that somehow there was a connection between these two. It was like someone offered me an answer to the heaviness in me. So surprised, that I checked and played the name generator three times already! And the results were always the same....Nathaniel the Angel of Fire. I started to think that this particular angel is sent as my guardian angel...hehehe.....

So, in the end I read these pray below, to ask Angel Nathaniel to come into my heavy thoughts for a mini angel treatment:

Angel Nathaniel, we welcome you into our sacred energy and space for the healing and restoration of our divine passions.
Where there was heaviness, fear, and emotional wounds, let your divine fires cleanse away the heavy energies of our spirit so that light, confidence, love, wholeness, and passion for living can surface.
Thank you for the divine assistance and I look forward to seeing how this angelic purification manifests in my world....................

Confusion

There have been so many things happened during these three months in my life. In one part, it was as though God granted me what I wished for so long at the exact time when I really needed a way out. In another, it had also pushed me into a fast lane that made me have to jump forward without stop and think for a moment.

When the time standstilled for a while, suddenly I found myself in no-man's land. Sure, the new environment made a space for me, but I couldn't fit in without getting crushed. And I refused to be crushed, not when the old place kept calling me to be back to them. I reasoned that since so many changes has been happened on me, at least I had to have something solid in which I could bury myself if there would be something bad happened in the other aspects of my life. So, okay, before the time started to roll me under again, I jumped out and responded to the old place. And what I found?

After won my sympathy and made me jump back to them, the old place made me waiting for another week to start. And now I'm spending my extra holiday by wondering what it all means? Making me once again having second thought about my decision, whether I'd better stop here or walk away again. Whether it is the right decision or not. It even had made me couldn't concentrate at the evening mass last night. Well, not just this problem...there was also another thing bothering my mind, but it's another story..hehehe...

In the middle of thick cloud surrounding my mind, I heard the voice of my Priest gave sermon about choices and consequences. That every step we take will have its own consequence(s). That we shouldn't worry, because no matter what, God will help us anytime we ask and need. Actually, I had read something similar one day before, when every confusions started to arise inside my mind. But it couldn't stop me worrying and thinking.

At this time, I'm sort of giving my confusion in God's hand. Yes, I'm still worrying...it is after all a part of my caracter - the need to be sure of where I belong to. But I also realised that I had made a choice, no matter which direction it was. That I had to make a best of it. That I have to believe that everything is happened for a reason. That God won't give me more than I could handle. I just wish I will be strong enough to face it.........

The New Things on Christmas Eve Choir 2009

Almost every Christmas since year 1989, I has always joined a church choir for Christmas Eve Mass. There were so many songs I've learned and known ever since. The classic songs, the popular ones....and of course the regular catholic church songs. Each year, we tried to perform something new, so the choir members won't feel bored have to learn the same every year. This year, however, would be much more unique......I hope, hehehe....

As usual, we had searched and compiling Christmas songs since September. Ideally, the choir should start the prep on October. But this year we had so many engagements for wedding choir, that we decided to concentrate all October for it, while some of us kept on preparing the songs for Christmas. At first, our Coach wanted us to perform two gospel songs, one based on a popular Christmas song: Go, Tell It on the Mountains but using a new composition in swing rhythm. The other one is Jesus, Oh What a Wonderful Child, a fully gospel song. These two songs had caused me a big headache, because I had to translate the partiturs from those tiny dots of notes into numbering notes familiar to the entire members of my choir.

I hadn't finished translating the first two songs, when the Choir Coordinator told me that there would be three more songs needed to be translated. Yikes!!! I didn't have anymore energy, nor time!!! I said. So, in the end, I got help in translating all of those songs....not just the new ones, but also the old ones...hehehe...

Finally, on November the choir could begin the rehearsal. We practised 2-3 times a week to catch up with all of those new songs in a very limited time available. At the final rehearsal last Tuesday, we summed the songs we had to sing tonight. Let's see....there are three songs in old English style (and we have to pronounce it just like the old english way!!!), several classic songs interprated in Indonesian language, a gregorian song with its Latin words, and two gospel songs....hahahaha.....what a mixed up!!!! It should be interesting to know what the congregation think about it....hahahaha...!

Have a very merry Christmas wherever you are!!!

New Job, New Life, New Month

For so long time, I had tried to find myself a new job. The original plan I had wasn't included to hold on one company more than 5 years. Instead, I stayed in the same company and position for more than 13 years!

Everytime I fail in landed myself to a new job, I said to myself that maybe God wanted me for a different role. And yes, there were actually something happened that in the end made me thankful for still staying in my old position. For several years, the biggest reason for me not thought seriously about my failure was my Dad's health.

My Dad was quite elderly and for a very long time suffered a mixed up illness. For some years back, he had to be hospitalized at least once a year for two till four weeks because of his illness. During his stays in the hospital, usually I was the one who was able to take an unlimited leave from work to help Mom taking care my nephew and the household. Why? Maybe because I was the senior at the office, or maybe because my boss was very kind...hehehe...or maybe both. During these leaves, usually I only came to work in the mornings after delivered my nephew to his school, then picked him up after school and stayed at home to supervise his study. Somehow I accepted that there was no way to pursue a new job if the situation would still the same. Because only by staying with the old company, I could help Mom, taking over some of her work so she could concentrate in caring Dad at the hospital.

That's why I was so surprised when on October 29, after a short interview in the morning, someone called me just an hour before the closing time that I was accepted as a new employee at her company. And they even didn't negotiate my asking salary! I asked Mom's opinion, because once I accepted this position, there would be hardly any chance to help her if there was an emergency with Dad. Mom, blessed her, told me to go ahead and accept that new job. So, I called the new office and told them that I was ready to start on December 1. Entering November, I still couldn't stop thinking what it is about my suddenly fortune.

Two weeks before November ended, my worried thought was proven. Once again, for the fifth time in this year, Dad had to be admitted to the hospital again. This time, his illness was very bad that necesitated Mom to be by his side 24 hours a day. But Mom insisted to try relieving me from my usual tasks in emergency situations, while I was still at my old job. It was for adjusting us all in the near future after I moved to the new job, she said. Sadly, this was really Dad's time to leave us behind. He passed away on November 27, 2009, at 9.45pm. And I remembered what I had thought at the first time I heard the news from my sister.....so, that's what it meant with all of my luck I got on last October.

So, I started the new month of December 2009 with a new job altogether a new life in front of me. So beautifully fit, but also so frightening.......

Two Weddings and a Mass Service: The story of 6hrs singing marathon on October 25

The first time when our choir coordinator asked my opinion about receiving both or choose only one of two wedding assignments for October 25, I didn't hesitated at all. I said to accept both assignments. Why?

Firstly, there was enough time between two assignments, although the place where each wedding was held was different, but the distance also not so far

Another reason, in each wedding, our choir have a close connection in the past. In one couple, the bride was one of ours once. In the other, it's the sister of the groom who was our member. 

The trouble was, at the same day, our choir also had a routine service for Sunday afternoon Mass. But, still I thought our choir could handle it. There's barely any difficult new songs, either for the two weddings or the Mass. As a songs coordinator, I could choose and arrange so the songs were quite simple and not too many for the three functions altogether. So, it would be no big deal at all, except that it would need a big amount of practices and commitment.

When it was finally presented to all of choir members, there was no strong opposition. Yes, there was quite a big shock and unbelief, but they accepted it...I think....hehehe...! So, the tight practices schedule was arranged and conducted. At the beginning of our intensive rehearsal, I heard some cynical opinion about our audacity in taking such many tasks in one day, that we should take a closer look about the choir's capability before accepted those events. Still, when a friend asked me about that, I remained in my opinion: we could handle it, maybe not easily, but certainly it was within our reach. That we only needed a discipline and a big teamwork. So, our practices went on as scheduled......until two weeks before our big time.....

It was the time to confirm everything, the organ player(s), the time schedule...everything. The first big shock was that the first wedding ceremony was in fact an hour later than our received schedule. It provided us less time to move to the other church and perform our next assignment. Then came the next worry....turned out we only had one musician for the three events, instead of ideally two persons. It meant we had to time everything carefully, so our only one musician had enough time to be ready mentally and physically from first event to the second one. But, what can we do.....we had said yes! So, there was nothing else to do than forward....!

So, our big dreaded time, the October 25, was coming. It was started with quite a bang at 12 o'clock, as the song-books carrier came way too late than the time we'd agreed on and made our Conductor in a bad mood. Thank God, we the singers was quite offhanded about that...hehehe...we just did our best as far as we could. And more luck on us, the first wedding ceremony was quick enough..... At 01.30pm, we had been on the way to the next assignment, 10 minutes from the first church. The traffic was quite smooth, so we also had a time for a quick lunch and a short re-warming-up. Precisely at 2pm, our second wedding ceremony began. And it went on for an hour. By which time, several of us had felt so hot and thirsty, that all we thought was how refreshing is Es Teler...hahaha... So, after the ceremony was over, several of us decided to spend the remaining time enjoying the cold Indonesian drink at a close-by mall, then hurried back to the first church and got ready to perform the routine task for the afternoon Sunday Mass. And there we went...sang again....started on 5pm till 6.30pm. After the closing song finished, we applauded ourselves...hurray, finally we did it!!!

When I think about that day, I am really proud of my choir. Although we all were so tired and weary, we still could sing with all of our heart. The best moment for me is when we sang the Ave Maria by Giulio Caccini. We had sung this song several times in wedding ceremonies, but it was the first time we performed it for a Sunday Mass. For me, the performance that day was the best compared to the other times we sang it. I guess we were so tired, that we just followed every direction from our Conductor, no question, no objection....hahaha.... Furthermore, my personal ambition was 100% fulfilled that day.....the choir had performed the Ave Maria by Giulio Caccini, before the other choirs did the same and we did it very well, too....hahaha... It would be very difficult to get over us....hahaha....very confidence of me, aren't I? hahaha...

To vote or to abstain

Following the latest official advice from a certain religious organization here, and in anticipation of the upcoming national election for Indonesian House of Representative, there's a talk that the same organization would launch a new advice regarding the increasing tendency of abstention. One of my contact in another website has launched a pooling to see how people would react to the possibility.

I'm against the would-be-advice, but I also don't approve the abstention act.

I understand that one of the reasons why many people choose to be passive in an election is that none of the options available is in their favor. But then, we should choose any lesser of two devils, right? Like my motivation in registering as legal taxpayer, I think by voting we also gain some legal rights in criticizing the elected government. If one choose to abstain, the person shouldn't feel it's his right to also eat and enjoy some fruit of increasing prosperity. Nor it's his right to protest any of government's mismanagement causing him suffered. When one choose to abstain, the person also give up the right and responsibility in making sure the government run within his approval.

Then, why am I against any religious interference in this matter? Simple, because it is every one's right to vote or abstain. Even God give us each a free will to choose our own way, either go to Heaven or Hell or just follow any road in sight. The main thing is every option has its own consequences, and we each have to accept and deal with that.
For your information, none of my votes win any elections. Furthermore, lately I lacked information about who or what I should choose. But it doesn't lessen my enthusiasm in participating in the upcoming national election. Hmmm....I think I would give my vote to the same side as before. Curious? No way would you know.....it's strictly confidential...hahaha!

Thanksgiving and Early List of Christmas Gift

Dear God.....
thank you for this year,
even if it's full with ups and downs...mostly the downs,
because for every sad moment, you've also given me a chance to be joy,
maybe for only a tiny mini moment,
but it was certainly a chance to take a fresh breathe,
before everything would sink again.

Dear God......
thank you for many dreamless sleeps,
because whenever I slept through the night without any dreams at all,
it means I had nothing weighing my heart and mind,
and it means a lot to me,
even if I only slept for a few hours,
it was better than having a good many hours night sleeping,
but full with bad dreams.

Dear God.....
thank you for still not allowing me move out from this job,
because despite for many of my dreams still couldn't come true,
it has given me a chance to do many things else,
and it has also given me a little more of freedom at work,
more than my friends have in theirs.
(go figure it Yourself, please! You don't want me lie, do You?)

Ok, God.....
now, could I give you my list of Christmas Gift this year?
Yeah, I know it's a little early,
but I couldn't bother You again too soon,
what, with so much things in Your Hands already.
I don't ask too much, really!
It's only a new, fresh, brighter time next year,
that's all I ask.
Well, all right, with all of the complete trimmings of it.
Too much?
Oh, all right......
a little step at a time...
okay, then....
could you poke my boss
so she would give me a long vacation this Christmas and new year?
please, please, please!!!!

The Different Way to Celebrate My Birthday

I was entering this year saddled with pain in my heart, dissapointment, not to mention a big debt in my bank account spent for a big holiday (it's quite fun, actually, the holiday! Enough to forget any pain for a moment. Mark my word...for a moment, not forever!) I had hoped that 2008 would be a bright year for me, a moment I've been waiting for so long. But at the New Year Eve party that I have ever attended for the first time in my life, I was just thankful to be able living another year and only prepared to try and live the year one day after another.

As the time goes by, I found that this year was not as dark as I was afraid of. Here and there I have seen a glimmering light. It is only small, but enough to tempt me step forward and try to reach it. Whenever it fade out before I even held it in my hand, there would be another light up close by. And I was walking forward, sometimes even didn't notice that the time went by another week and another month, especially in all of the busy affairs in preparing the wedding party for my brother on the end of July.

On March I noticed that right on my birthday, our church would be on duty to organize the Mass and 7th Novena in honour of Mother Mary at Poh Sarang - Kediri

A coincident? Maybe, but it is a very good one, in my opinion. The time was perfect, since the whole triffling matters due to my brother's wedding party would had been out of the way at that time. And I did need this to pray and ask for God's generousity to let me see a way, His way. So, I went and told Mom about my intention, and she consented at once, since she never visit the place before.

I didn't plan anything after that, just wait and see, because many times before, I made a religious plan and there had always been something on the way that made it fall through. For the time being I just concentrated in preparing the wedding of the year (according to our friends and family...hahaha....!)

At last the time came. Mom, my nephew and I joined our church group departed to Poh Sarang in 15 buses and many more followed with their own transports. According to the Pastor, there were more than 5000 persons joined in the Mass that day. They came from many cities, even there were some tourists from Japan apparently.

The funny thing...or you maybe say ironically.....every special intentions that have made me want to go and pray there had fled from my mind. After I was home again and recounted the journey, I realised that it had been gone since the day before departing. At Poh Sarang, I become a guide for Mom, directed her where to register any personal intention or special prayer in the Mass. Mom dedicated her prayer that day as a thankfullness for the smoothly wedding party of my brother and for my birthday. I, in the other hand, had forgotten my own intention to seek out and bring white roses for Mother Mary. All I did was making sure my nephew comfortable during this quite long and maybe boring journey.

Did I get any answer from God for all my restlessness and confusion? I don't think so. I asked God to this once only give me a direct birthday gift, a wish-come-true for once. But I don't see it at all. In the other hand, I felt a calm, peaceful state in facing a particular present matter. I still couldn't see any way-out from the delicate matter very close to my heart just as I wish it to end. But as it had been happened to me over and over again in the past, He would always send my guarding angel protecting me. Maybe it's true after all, that what I want all this time isn't what God plans, no matter how much I desire it. At the present, my prayer is for God to make it easier for me and people I love to finally come to terms with His plan, no matter how shocking it is.

Stations of Cross

There is always an advice from my church at this time of year, to attend at least once The Stations of Cross in preparing oneself to enter the Easter Celebration. And each year it has become a tough battle for me to follow the good advice.

I could come up with many kind of reasons that prevents me to attend The Stations of Cross. The usual and prime reason is tiredness. This event is always held on Friday-evenings since Ash Wednesday till Palm Sunday. And since it's also the last working day in each week, I always feel drained of energy and reluctant to go out again.

Today is Friday, and it's a holiday. One should assume that there's no reason at all for me not to attend it. Believe me, so I thought! A week ago I saw this holiday and thought...hey, I could go to The Stations of Cross next Friday! Then, several friends from the youth church choir concocted an attentive plan to go and visit our ex-vocal-couch. Eventually the plan fell through because of a transportation difficulty. So, I spent the day shopping and rest well, getting ready to go to the church.

An hour and half before the designated time, I went out from bathroom to find a very dark sky and a moment later it rained heavily. Then, I found out that Mom would go to a prayer meeting. There! Suddenly I found two big reasons enough to dampen down my enthusiasm. Furthermore, I couldn't ask a lift from my brother, because he had to go to his band practice for their performance this Sunday.

Oh well....there it is.....I wish God will still be willing to give me another chance to become a better person next time, again and again....! :)

The Tree of Knowledge

How dangerous the Tree of Knowledge is?

I have this little game in my PC called BounceOut or PoingPoing. The rule is simple, one has to line three or more balls with same colours to eliminate them until the number is up. The catch is the time limit. The higher your level, the higher is the number of the balls to go and it'd become more difficult to find the balls with same colours to line up. You just become more panic as the time go on until....boommm......it explodes and the game is over.

I love playing this game whenever I get bored in the office (pssssttt....don't tell my boss!!!). I could tell how high the level of my concentrating mind from how fast I find the balls to go. For a long time I'm never tempted to cheat the game, even though many times I get frustated in failing to find only three balls to go to finish a level. I found this a continuing new challenges everytime.

One day, when I almost gave up in finding the same colour balls to go, I accidentally pressed the little button named Panic in the bottom of playing field. Suddenly the balls moved and...there, the balls found themselves their companion and I could move again. A lamp lighted up inside my brain......"So, this is a little cheat to help players, and I never knew although I've seen this little button from the beginning!" Yup....I took a fruit from the tree of knowledge and ate it. And the little game was never the same again. The challenge is still there, but I know now that there is a little help waiting in the wings.

It's only a game, it would never harm other people nor any other living creature. Imagine if it happened to serious things like technology or even law.


Passage Genesis 2:17
But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and blessing and calamity you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.