As the time goes by, I found that this year was not as dark as I was afraid of. Here and there I have seen a glimmering light. It is only small, but enough to tempt me step forward and try to reach it. Whenever it fade out before I even held it in my hand, there would be another light up close by. And I was walking forward, sometimes even didn't notice that the time went by another week and another month, especially in all of the busy affairs in preparing the wedding party for my brother on the end of July.
On March I noticed that right on my birthday, our church would be on duty to organize the Mass and 7th Novena in honour of Mother Mary at Poh Sarang - Kediri
A coincident? Maybe, but it is a very good one, in my opinion. The time was perfect, since the whole triffling matters due to my brother's wedding party would had been out of the way at that time. And I did need this to pray and ask for God's generousity to let me see a way, His way. So, I went and told Mom about my intention, and she consented at once, since she never visit the place before.
I didn't plan anything after that, just wait and see, because many times before, I made a religious plan and there had always been something on the way that made it fall through. For the time being I just concentrated in preparing the wedding of the year (according to our friends and family...hahaha....!)
At last the time came. Mom, my nephew and I joined our church group departed to Poh Sarang in 15 buses and many more followed with their own transports. According to the Pastor, there were more than 5000 persons joined in the Mass that day. They came from many cities, even there were some tourists from Japan apparently.
The funny thing...or you maybe say ironically.....every special intentions that have made me want to go and pray there had fled from my mind. After I was home again and recounted the journey, I realised that it had been gone since the day before departing. At Poh Sarang, I become a guide for Mom, directed her where to register any personal intention or special prayer in the Mass. Mom dedicated her prayer that day as a thankfullness for the smoothly wedding party of my brother and for my birthday. I, in the other hand, had forgotten my own intention to seek out and bring white roses for Mother Mary. All I did was making sure my nephew comfortable during this quite long and maybe boring journey.
Did I get any answer from God for all my restlessness and confusion? I don't think so. I asked God to this once only give me a direct birthday gift, a wish-come-true for once. But I don't see it at all. In the other hand, I felt a calm, peaceful state in facing a particular present matter. I still couldn't see any way-out from the delicate matter very close to my heart just as I wish it to end. But as it had been happened to me over and over again in the past, He would always send my guarding angel protecting me. Maybe it's true after all, that what I want all this time isn't what God plans, no matter how much I desire it. At the present, my prayer is for God to make it easier for me and people I love to finally come to terms with His plan, no matter how shocking it is.