There Goes Another Dream

Being so long joined in a wedding choir, had given me quite several ideas about what should be done for my own wedding ceremony. Especially what songs I want for the wedding mass.

I had had this particular song in my dream to be the opening ceremony, ever since the first time I heard it (couldn't remember where, though! Most likely from the radio). The title is I BELIEVE MY HEART, sung by Duncan James and Keedie.

Whenever i see your face, the world disappears,
All in a single glance of, revealing,
You smile and i feel as though, I've known you for years,
How do i know to trust what I'm feeling.

I believe my heart, what else can i do,
when every part of every thought leads me straight to you,
I believe my heart, there's no other choice,
For now whenever my heart speaks, i can only hear your voice.

A lifetime before we met, has faded away,
How did i live a moment without you,
You don't have to speak at all,
I know what you'd say, And i know every secret about you.

I believe my heart, it believes in you,
Its telling me that what i see is completely true,
I believe my heart, how can it be wrong,
It says that what i feel for you i will feel my whole life long.

I believe my heart, it believes in you,
Its telling me that what i see is completely true,
And with all my soul, I believe my heart,
The portrait that it paints of you, is a perfect work of art.

Somehow, the lyrics had found an echo deep inside my heart. Hahaha...too serious, isn't it? But, truly, I always imagine that's how I would find the special thing called LOVE....only from a single glance and be followed with so many struggles between my mind and heart, till I couldn't ignore what my heart says and accept the inevitable. Yikes, sounds like I see marriages as a prison, right? Hahaha....

Anyway, I was so annoyed when I found out that my choir would perform this special song for the wedding ceremony at the previous Sunday. Hahhh....there goes my romantic dream! Of course, it's not 100% like my dream at all. In my dream, I would have enough courage to perform this song on my own, together with my would-be-husband. Hahaha....how could I disturbed by such thing, when I still don't have a perfect prince ready to sing with me? Hahaha....

Although a little dejected, I still see this song as one of my favourite wedding songs. The good news, I found another song to be added to the list. No, I won't tell you. I would keep it as my secret a little longer, although I could be sure that this new song would become popular after our next performance, at least in my parish. Hey, a girl could dream, right? hahaha....

My 24hr Guardian Angel

Recently, a friend asked me how I knew that a new acquaintance tried to fool or trick me. All I could give as the appropriate and simple answer is that I have an oversensitive radar.

This special radar is my personal Guardian Angel who works 24 hours a day, seven days a week, non stop. I always see it as a sign that God really exists and cares about me. Not that I'm really a religious person, mind you....hahaha....!

How does it work? I don't know for sure. I could feel the alarm goes off just because I read something between lines of his messages. Or from the way he expressed himself. I could feel doubts mount up in me when I stumbled across a few little, supposedly-unimportant details but in fact couldn't match to anyplace at all.

I'm not the one who could easily asking about any private information. About religion, or marital status, or even birthday. Never I do that on purpose. But, when I saw some interesting opening, I would use the chance to find out more. Once again, never intentionally. I would casually give a comment on that specific opening, let the person tell me more about it on his own time. And during that time, I just sit back, open my eyes and ears. Listen to or reading his stories. Make a connection from one info to the others. Trying to fit everything in its place, all the while listening to what my Guardian Angel whispers in my ears.

Many times this ultra sensitive radar has saved me from wasting my time. But, there were also times that I wished that it was a false alarm. That it was only my prejudice. Sadly, the time had proved that my Guardian Angel had really work extremely well.

Now, once again I am facing the same despair. My alarm had went off twice so far. The first time had been explained neatly. I'm still waiting for the progress of the second alarm. I do really, really hope that this time I would find a genuine friendship, free from any lies and tricks. Why is it so difficult to be found nowadays?

Butterflies in My Stomach

So long have hooked online, I have made so many new friends...of course most of them are male.....hahahaha... But I never met any of them....well, not exactly none. There was one who met me at a computer exhibition, but it was purely an accident....hahaha...! I always could find a good reason not to be able to meet them. Had a committed engagement at the time they visited my town usually is my usual reason. And it is true! I never invented those engagements. But, to be truth, I could make a time to meet them if I really wanted it. And here is where my so-called INNER VOICE enters. The real reason in not making any effort to meet them is because I still felt some doubts about them. Okay, you could call me a coward....hahaha...!

Recently, I met another new contact through Friendster. As usual, I put up the face of non-committal, although he generously gave me his phone number so I could contact him whenever I wanted to. Like I want to text or call any man first....hahaha...moreover, a family man as I'd found out after a couple of letter exchanges. I wouldn't mind making friend with committed men, as long as they're honest and acknowledge their status. Then, I would put them in a nice, neat, special box labelled as UNAVAILABLE.

I would have been happy stopped at exchanging letters and stories, if a good friend of mine didn't keep nagging me to make a first move and offer to meet him for lunch or something. I knew he would visit my city as a part of his business trip. But I also knew that he wouldn't pressure me to do anything I won't, he had stressed that out in one of his letters...hahaha...see, how kind he is? Furthermore, I had an engagement (again???....hahaha) during his last night at Surabaya. Yes, it was true! I had promised to attend a choir practice for a wedding ceremony. And since it's a first practice and I was the one who brought the songs, so I absolutely had to be there. The only chance left was a luncheon at his last day, just a couple hours before he had to go to the airport.

Much I rather hoped that he wouldn't be able to make a time for a lunch meeting, he actually made a time to meet me and my friend. Yep, this is my condition to both of them...hahaha... I didn't want to see some stranger alone! And someone with English speaking! Hah, I could be speechless...hahaha...!

My friend said to be relax and see this lunch as though a meeting with a new client. I didn't tell her that I had never been in a meeting where I was one of the main role....hahaha....! Usually I accompanied my boss or colleague. My new friend said not to worry, because he's a simple person. How could I be relax, when I had to speak English in this meeting? Hahaha...I'd prefer writing in English than speaking it! All those comforting words really couldn't stop butterflies to multiply inside my stomach, adding the tighten knots already been there since several days before.

I was so relieved when all was over. It was quite well, in my inexperience eyes of course...hahaha...! I could face the fact that I had to meet my online friend alone at first, since my friend had something to do before could accompany me. The conversation run well, although I had to place 1,000,000% concentration to listen and understand what he said and another 1,000,000% for composing sentences and expressing my thoughts in English. I just hoped that he understood what I gibbered, because sometimes I couldn't understand what I said myself....hahaha...!

On the journey back to the office, whammmm....it seemed the butterflies inside my stomach couldn't stand the place anymore. They had fluttered around it during the lunch hour, that made me lost my appetite, and now they tried to get out of it. Even though I had a nice message from him just before his plane took off and a congratulation from my friend for my first f2f, I ended the day with this status on my Facebook :

enjoyed the lunch engagement.....ouch, the butterflies now are flopping around her stomach with vengeance...wanting to get out...ouch, ouch, ouch!

My Intensive Driving Practice

I have been holding a car driving license (SIM-A) for over than 10 years. But I took the driving course only in five years recently. Don't ask how I could obtain the license without any course...hahaha...it's a common practice here.

Anyway, the instructor said that actually my driving skill were quite good, but I was lack of confidence. Of course I was! Hahaha....! I am more used riding motorcycle. I could see clearly the space around me and the motorcycle, that made me easily navigate my movement on the road. It is so much different from driving a car however small it is. I couldn't see the space on the outside of passenger seat. It seems so far away to glance quickly and back again watch the road ahead. I couldn't see the bonnet of my car, unless I crane my neck. I remember I became panic whenever there was a car coming towards my direction when I was just trying to pass another vehicle at my side. And my instructor kept asking me to calm down and drive on...hahaha...

So, for quite a long time after the driving course, I still wouldn't like to drive a car. Only occasionally at Mom's insistence when we go shopping together. Her reason was to prepare me in facing any family emergency that required me to drive the car as I'm now the only one who still live with my elderly parents. At the time, my brother still lived with us, and Mom was still quite healthy.

The emergency time came two months ago. Dad had to be admitted at the hospital just one day before three days before Easter. Mom had to accompany him 24hr, my brother has got married and moved out from our house, and my sister came home to celebrate Easter at home, as usual. Actually, it has been decided before that I would be driving and pick my sister at the airport. But at the time, I thought Mom would be able to accompany me, since I had been only several times driving to the airport before. Anyway, as nobody else could do it, I pulled up myself and drove to the airport and pick my sister up.

Now, imagine.... First of all, I had to come and vote as it was the election day. I had to wait a moment too long because I apparently was too early. Then, I had to go my office to take something I left behind the day before. After that, I raced to the airport since it was only 15 minutes to the estimated time arrival of my sister's plane. And it was my first time driving without supervision!

As the day went on, it wasn't the end of my driving time. After picking up my sister, I took her visit Dad at the hospital. Then we went home. The pattern had created for the next four days. We drove to the hospital in the morning, and came home at the afternoon, then went to the Church in the evening to attend the three consecutive Holy days of Easter. Sometimes, I drove my sister to go shopping before visited Dad. Yes, it was my intensive driving practice! I drove around the city three days nonstop!

My right hand had become so ache from the unusual exercise. When my brother came home and gave his promise to stay for the weekend, I immediately got my hand bandaged to ease the ache around my wrist. The bandage surprised my choir friends when I came on duty for the Easter Mass. How couldn't they, when only at the day before we've met without it around my hand....hahaha...!

The positive result from the tiring period is the increasing of my self-confidence. Now, I dare to drive anywhere...well, almost everywhere. There are some places I'd rather avoid, like malls with a difficult maneuvers to park cars. Recently, I even dared to try the automatic car of my Boss's. The next target is driving out of town....hahahaha...since my sister has already hinted so many times to spend the next holiday at one of the cities close by.