My Angel Name

Recently, while I was browsing my Facebook account, my eyes got caught at the application namely Angel Name Generator. I love this name generator and had played several times before. Since I was curious what my angel name would be, I played the generator. And the result was........NATHANIEL The Angel of Fire.

The first time I saw the name, all I could thought was: "Huh?????"....hahahaha.....I didn't know any angel named Nathaniel. And it made me more curious. So, I googled the name and found two websites that gave a clear description about Nathaniel.

According to Worldwide Mediums and Psychics, Angel of Fire Nathaniel means "gift of God". He is lord over the element of fire, a powerful gift from God. He is constantly watching for spiritual fires of aspiration rising from earth. He transfers the fire aspect of divinity to our world where it transforms consciousness from the limited self to the eternal self by burning away misconceptions that would have us believe that we are separate from God.

Okay, I couldn't understand 100% what those words above meant...hehehe... Then I searched through google once again, and found this interesting blog...

Actually, the article in the blog was about an oracle card, which called Angel Nathaniel. I quoted a part that drew my attention:

.......... When this card comes to us it means that Angel Nathaniel is guiding us to call upon him so that he can bring these divine flames to whatever is limiting us as an obstacle at the moment. When one is being cleansed of something, it tends to show up in the forms of:

• becoming super aware of what needs to be changed in life, what action needs to be taken in order to produce forward movement,
• the sudden desire to withdraw from interactions and beliefs that tend to limit our power instead of helping us to embrace it,
• the desire to become clear about what needs to be organized within our lives so that we can create a deeper sense of focus, concentration, and the understanding of what our true goals are.

Angel Nathaniel also brings the awareness of healthy limitation as fire can be a symbol of energy that needs to be used with caution, respect, and boundries.

When I read and tried to absorbe the meaning of those sentences above, I suddenly remembered about my previous writing about the confused feeling in me. And I was a little shocked when realized that somehow there was a connection between these two. It was like someone offered me an answer to the heaviness in me. So surprised, that I checked and played the name generator three times already! And the results were always the same....Nathaniel the Angel of Fire. I started to think that this particular angel is sent as my guardian angel...hehehe.....

So, in the end I read these pray below, to ask Angel Nathaniel to come into my heavy thoughts for a mini angel treatment:

Angel Nathaniel, we welcome you into our sacred energy and space for the healing and restoration of our divine passions.
Where there was heaviness, fear, and emotional wounds, let your divine fires cleanse away the heavy energies of our spirit so that light, confidence, love, wholeness, and passion for living can surface.
Thank you for the divine assistance and I look forward to seeing how this angelic purification manifests in my world....................

Confusion

There have been so many things happened during these three months in my life. In one part, it was as though God granted me what I wished for so long at the exact time when I really needed a way out. In another, it had also pushed me into a fast lane that made me have to jump forward without stop and think for a moment.

When the time standstilled for a while, suddenly I found myself in no-man's land. Sure, the new environment made a space for me, but I couldn't fit in without getting crushed. And I refused to be crushed, not when the old place kept calling me to be back to them. I reasoned that since so many changes has been happened on me, at least I had to have something solid in which I could bury myself if there would be something bad happened in the other aspects of my life. So, okay, before the time started to roll me under again, I jumped out and responded to the old place. And what I found?

After won my sympathy and made me jump back to them, the old place made me waiting for another week to start. And now I'm spending my extra holiday by wondering what it all means? Making me once again having second thought about my decision, whether I'd better stop here or walk away again. Whether it is the right decision or not. It even had made me couldn't concentrate at the evening mass last night. Well, not just this problem...there was also another thing bothering my mind, but it's another story..hehehe...

In the middle of thick cloud surrounding my mind, I heard the voice of my Priest gave sermon about choices and consequences. That every step we take will have its own consequence(s). That we shouldn't worry, because no matter what, God will help us anytime we ask and need. Actually, I had read something similar one day before, when every confusions started to arise inside my mind. But it couldn't stop me worrying and thinking.

At this time, I'm sort of giving my confusion in God's hand. Yes, I'm still worrying...it is after all a part of my caracter - the need to be sure of where I belong to. But I also realised that I had made a choice, no matter which direction it was. That I had to make a best of it. That I have to believe that everything is happened for a reason. That God won't give me more than I could handle. I just wish I will be strong enough to face it.........

Anticlimax after the Hustle and Bustle of Christmas Prep

This morning, December 25, I woke up very late, felt so tired after the performance with the choir on Christmas Eve Mass. But I had to wake up after all, to help my nephew getting ready for the children mass at 7.30am. Then Mom told me about her plan to visit Dad's grave after the mass. Okay, count me in, I said to her. Shortly after that, my brother who stayed for Christmas weekend told me his plan to go back home for a short time, to see whether everything's all right. Okay...so, the whole plan for the day was (1) visiting Dad's grave; (2) go to my brother's home.

We finally came home at 3pm, after did those two original plans above, plus picked up my brother's wife at her parents' house. At home, I checked the Blackberry my office gave for my use and saw there were two messages. At once, my feeling became very dark. Okay, I know that the project division in my office has no holiday at all. But they should know that I'm in the finance department and is in holiday till January 3. I had wasted the first day of my holiday to go to the office and did some work to help them. Still several messages came in asking about this and that, that already out of my power to make it work. So, finally, clearly (and I hope politely) I said that of my opinion to the sender. That I had done my job in accordance with the standard procedure, and everything should be ok normally. Then, I shut the Blackberry and went to sleep with bad mood.

Woke up this evening, I went straightly online and checked my emails. There were so many emails from an astrology website. Recently, I ignored them....straightly deleted them without open and read it. This time, because I didn't see anyone interesting to be poked (hihihi.....!), I read each of them. And....there, one of them was so fit with my feeling this afternoon :

Here is your Daily AstroSlam for Friday, December 25

Duh! It's Christmas day. Why'd you go into work? You're so clueless; you forgot you had the day off. Now that you're out and about, why not do something nice for the poor, pathetic souls begging in the street? You may redeem this day after all.

Okay, I may overlook the two last sentences...hehehe.... But, the previous sentences were quite true. This is after all my day-offs. I have the right to ignore my work, and I don't have to feel bad to point that out to my colleagues.

 

Ok, now, I'd better act nice towards my nephew who had to step aside waiting for me finished writing this...hehehe... He wants to stay awake and watch HOME ALONE 3 at 8pm, which I doubted very much about his ability to wait till that time...hihihi....he's already asleep!!

 

The New Things on Christmas Eve Choir 2009

Almost every Christmas since year 1989, I has always joined a church choir for Christmas Eve Mass. There were so many songs I've learned and known ever since. The classic songs, the popular ones....and of course the regular catholic church songs. Each year, we tried to perform something new, so the choir members won't feel bored have to learn the same every year. This year, however, would be much more unique......I hope, hehehe....

As usual, we had searched and compiling Christmas songs since September. Ideally, the choir should start the prep on October. But this year we had so many engagements for wedding choir, that we decided to concentrate all October for it, while some of us kept on preparing the songs for Christmas. At first, our Coach wanted us to perform two gospel songs, one based on a popular Christmas song: Go, Tell It on the Mountains but using a new composition in swing rhythm. The other one is Jesus, Oh What a Wonderful Child, a fully gospel song. These two songs had caused me a big headache, because I had to translate the partiturs from those tiny dots of notes into numbering notes familiar to the entire members of my choir.

I hadn't finished translating the first two songs, when the Choir Coordinator told me that there would be three more songs needed to be translated. Yikes!!! I didn't have anymore energy, nor time!!! I said. So, in the end, I got help in translating all of those songs....not just the new ones, but also the old ones...hehehe...

Finally, on November the choir could begin the rehearsal. We practised 2-3 times a week to catch up with all of those new songs in a very limited time available. At the final rehearsal last Tuesday, we summed the songs we had to sing tonight. Let's see....there are three songs in old English style (and we have to pronounce it just like the old english way!!!), several classic songs interprated in Indonesian language, a gregorian song with its Latin words, and two gospel songs....hahahaha.....what a mixed up!!!! It should be interesting to know what the congregation think about it....hahahaha...!

Have a very merry Christmas wherever you are!!!

New Job, New Life, New Month

For so long time, I had tried to find myself a new job. The original plan I had wasn't included to hold on one company more than 5 years. Instead, I stayed in the same company and position for more than 13 years!

Everytime I fail in landed myself to a new job, I said to myself that maybe God wanted me for a different role. And yes, there were actually something happened that in the end made me thankful for still staying in my old position. For several years, the biggest reason for me not thought seriously about my failure was my Dad's health.

My Dad was quite elderly and for a very long time suffered a mixed up illness. For some years back, he had to be hospitalized at least once a year for two till four weeks because of his illness. During his stays in the hospital, usually I was the one who was able to take an unlimited leave from work to help Mom taking care my nephew and the household. Why? Maybe because I was the senior at the office, or maybe because my boss was very kind...hehehe...or maybe both. During these leaves, usually I only came to work in the mornings after delivered my nephew to his school, then picked him up after school and stayed at home to supervise his study. Somehow I accepted that there was no way to pursue a new job if the situation would still the same. Because only by staying with the old company, I could help Mom, taking over some of her work so she could concentrate in caring Dad at the hospital.

That's why I was so surprised when on October 29, after a short interview in the morning, someone called me just an hour before the closing time that I was accepted as a new employee at her company. And they even didn't negotiate my asking salary! I asked Mom's opinion, because once I accepted this position, there would be hardly any chance to help her if there was an emergency with Dad. Mom, blessed her, told me to go ahead and accept that new job. So, I called the new office and told them that I was ready to start on December 1. Entering November, I still couldn't stop thinking what it is about my suddenly fortune.

Two weeks before November ended, my worried thought was proven. Once again, for the fifth time in this year, Dad had to be admitted to the hospital again. This time, his illness was very bad that necesitated Mom to be by his side 24 hours a day. But Mom insisted to try relieving me from my usual tasks in emergency situations, while I was still at my old job. It was for adjusting us all in the near future after I moved to the new job, she said. Sadly, this was really Dad's time to leave us behind. He passed away on November 27, 2009, at 9.45pm. And I remembered what I had thought at the first time I heard the news from my sister.....so, that's what it meant with all of my luck I got on last October.

So, I started the new month of December 2009 with a new job altogether a new life in front of me. So beautifully fit, but also so frightening.......