It's been a while...(PART 02)

Plaza Tunjungan....

This mall is used to be my favorite place for hang-out, either alone or with friends. Alone, I could browse the stores there for hours....without buying anything....hehehe...

It's a nice place, where you could find things in wide-range prices. From cheap ones till the branded ones. And there are many places where you can just buy coffee and snacks and talks for hours with friends.

For some time now....hmmmm, almost a year, I think.....I didn't have any desire to go there. With friends nor being alone.....

Reason 1, it has become too far away for me. Especially as now I work at home, and Plaza Tunjungan is in different district. I live in the West part of my city, and Plaza Tunjungan is at the city central. To go there means I have to go through one big, crowded main road....yikes!!!

Reason 2, as Plaza Tunjungan is also quite famous among my city fellows, find a nice parking place is quite tricky. If I choose to ride my motorcycle (it's quicker and more efficient), I have to park outside, in 5 minutes walking distance to the nearest entrance plus another 3 minutes walking to the mall back-entrance. If I drive my car, then I have to calculate correctly when I should arrive to be able to find a nice parking space. Otherwise, I have drive round and round, up and down the parking building....makes my foot ache and my head dizzy....hahaha...

Reason 3....maybe the biggest one....because once I spent many hours browsing this mall with one of my favorite friends. Those hours were very impressive that I can't walk around the mall without remembering and feeling lost, now we may not meet again.... But I knew that one day I will be able to visit Plaza Tunjungan again...I have to, because after all it's one famous mall in my city....hehehe...

So, here were I....the second day of my Christmas vacation, Dec 26, 2014. My sister wanted to meet someone and then go to cinema watching EXODUS: GODS & KINGS with my other sister, my nephews and me. And she preferred Plaza Tunjungan.....oh, alright, no problem for me....hehehe...

And it was really no problem, since we didn't do much browsing...hahaha...we just sat at the food court, talking while waiting for the movie begin...hehehe... I'm survived!!! And Plaza Tunjungan is still a marvelous place after all...:)

In Memoriam of Imelda Fridajanti

Frida's Latest Picture (posted on Facebook by March 7)

On Wednesday morning, March 13 while browsing my friends' status on Facebook, my eyes caught a comment in a friend's status. The person wished a Rest-in-Peace for my friend. What??? I opened the whole posting and read from up to bottom. It was said that my friend - Imelda Fridajanti - had an accident while rafting on the previous day and passed away on 4pm in the afternoon. It shocked me, because I still read her posting on Facebook two days before....

Imelda Fridajanti was an old friend from my junior high school. We shared the same class during the first two years. I didn't remember many of my classmates on the junior high school. Frida - that's what we used to call her - was one of the very few I remembered. We separated during the third year. Then I went to a different school for the senior years, while she continued at the same school.

We met again on 2009, 22 years after separated, thanks to Facebook. It was quite surprising that she still remembered me. After that, we kept in touch through Facebook. She liked to post interesting status, that invited her friends to give opinion and sometimes debated...hehehe...

During these last four years, I only met her once. She came to my office during one of her busy day. After that, many times she had invited me to come along in small reunions with other classmates. But I was never able to attend. Firstly, because it was always in a wrong time. Secondly - maybe the biggest reason - because I didn't remember any of other guests. It surely will make me very awkward and feel very out of place....hehehe...

Now, Frida is no longer here anymore. I will miss reading her postings on Facebook. One of her friend mentioned that we had lost a valuable friend, who always actively invited her old friends to reconnect. Farewell, my friend, hope we'll meet again in the next life.....

Life without TV

image source : dreamstime.com

Until last month, I had a quite ancient 16" color TV in my bedroom. It used to belong to my late grandmother who had died more than 10 years ago.... Very old TV, huh? hihihi... Nevertheless, that TV had become my entertainment at the end of my days. Not frequently, though. I used to watch movies on TV after 9pm or on weekends and holidays, when I'm not too lazy and sleepy...hehehe...

Last December, just before Christmas, my TV suddenly couldn't be turned on. Due to the holiday and the family outing plan, it stayed broken till after New Year. It was the first time after soooo many years that I spent New Year's Eve downstairs with my family and shared the TV there....hehehe... Quite annoying, actually. I preferred watching box-office movies, while my sister and Mom wanted to watch a music concert in other TV stations. So, we kept changing channel during commercials break, and made me lost the ending of an interesting movie (that I had already forgotten what the title was....hehehe...)

After New Year, Mom had the TV repaired. But this time, I didn't have enough time and energy to watch TV. My laundry business has been growing bigger and bigger, and I struggled to keep up with the heavy schedule between my formal working hours and the informal ones. At least twice a week, I go to bed not sooner than 10pm and have to wake up again at 4.30 next morning. So, when the TV was broken again a week after being repaired, I . Of course it also means I didn't keep up with latest news and gossips....hehehe... My only source is Mom and Sunday Newspaper (if I have time to read it...hehehe...)

Last week, due to her moving from a boarding room to an apartment, my sister (who knew about my broken TV) sent her old TV home. She preferred to buy a new, slimmer TV to fit in with the small space of her apartment. So, I got the family 21" TV to replace my old one, while the 32" flat-screen TV from my sister is being put in the living room.

Until now, I still rarely turn on the 21" TV. But every time I sit on my bed and look at the TV just across my bed, I'm always amazed about how bigger it is....makes my bedroom feels so crowded....hihihi.... I plan to move the TV to the upstairs living room as soon as I could re-arrange the furniture there. That way, it won't be look that big and my Little One could watch TV without messing up my bedroom....:P...

Review on 2012 (Part 2) : LEAVE THE YOUTH CHOIR

I'd joined the Catholic Church Choir in my parish since 1988....when I was still in the senior high school. At the moment, my parish was still very young and there was no youth community. The choir was builted to facilitate the young ages, so we could have at least one regular activity to meet and unite every week. At the moment, our choir didn't have a name. We simply was called St. Aloysius Gonzaga Youth Choir.

 

I had been through too many managerial changes while I was still an active member in this choir. And not just managerial. There was many changes in our members, too... Moving out of our parish because of the new job or living places, got married or even have a child.... Yes, our youth choir was no longer purely for single, unmarried youth. We became so solid, that marriage couldn't stop us getting together and training our voice.

 

This year, after suffering for a lack of active members for some time, the management finally was able to persuade the newer youth generation to join the choir which is now called AG Voice (AG is a shortened from Aloysius Gonzaga, our parish's name). These new members are averagely half of my age....makes me one of two eldest members in the choir...hehehe... The other one is also the long-time member like me. We're both the first generation of the choir....hehehe...

 

In the mid-year, the management conducted a change-over. At the time, I was almost a life-time songs coordinator. I handled the task since 1990.....22 years!!! So many times I asked each new management to find my replacement, but no one wanted the job....[sigh!]. In my point of view, it's a simple task. You just have to prepare and organize the songs for each assignment, make sure there's enough copies for each member, and file those songs.

 

Anyway, this time I insisted the management to also replace me. I just started my own business which for a while only runs in the evenings, makes me super-duper tired to attend any choir practices. Of course, I didn't say my real reason to them. I just said that it really, really didn't fair to left me behind one more time....hehehe.. So, finally there is one new blood who agree to takeover my task...hurrrrayyy...!!! And started the heavy job for me to compile all of those songs in my house in containers, ready to ship out to its new home.

 

Slowly but sure, I started to backout from the choir. I didn't join their weekend retreat out of town. Didn't attend wedding choirs on Saturdays. And finally skipped practices. At first, I only told them that I had something to do that evening. One week became two weeks, became one month and finally I decided not to join in this Christmas duty. Success!!!!!

 

Finally, I'm able to leave the choir, with no regrets at all. Someone is finally doing my old task. The new generation of choir has a good numbers of member and good voice quality...more than mine, I think....:)... One nice accomplishment of mine on 2012....:)

 

After on duty for Holy Saturday 2012

 

Review on 2012 (Part 1): SAD NEWS

Each time closing to the end of every year, I notice that there is an increasing number of people passing away. Either because of age or illness or natural disaster. We - that's my family - call it as The Calculation of Year End. When my own Dad passes away on November 2009, we remembered it and quietly took a humour in it.

 

This year, however, I received two sad news from my friends who lost their fathers. Last week, Stardust sent me a sms that her father passed away suddenly. This morning I read Mbak Fida's blog about the passing away of his father after being hospitalized for some time. So close to Christmas.....a uniquely family time...I can only hope that they will be strong enough to keep on moving and live, because I know they are strong persons....

 

 

 

 

1000 days after Dad's Passaway

 

My dad had passed away on November 27, 2009.....a thousand days ago... on age 74 years after been ill for so long and spent most of the last year of his life in and out of hospital.

 

Sadly, I barely have any sweet memories with him. Why? Because we didn't spent too many times as family while he still alived and we're still young children. He was a Navy officer, and spent most of his active duties on the seas. When he had retired, we were already teenagers and young adults with our own busy daily activities and ring of friends. I, for instance, didn't know how to stay long and keep talking with him about our days. Most of times, I just said hi, good morning and I have to go [somewhere].

 

Even when the other siblings of mine had gotten out from home - because of marriage or work out of town - made me the only child still lived with my parents, I couldn't get any closer to him. I simply couldn't find any common grounds to easily talk with him.

 

Once, before his passaway, while I was stopping by at the hospital to give something Mom needed, out of the blue he invited me to sit beside him for a while. I refused him, firstly because my time was very limited, I had to depart to my work ASAP. Secondly, because I was scared he would talk the way people near death talking....asking for something I wasn't ready to answer, requesting for something I wasn't sure to be able to do. Have I regretted for refusing his final request? Hmmm....no, I don't think so....I'm just curious about what things he wanted to say to me....but it really doesn't matter to me....:)

 

On August 21, 2012 evening, we gave a special mass for him. It's part of Javanese tradition. These last three years, we had carefully planned our activities in accordance with the remembrance days for Dad's passaway. Seven days after his passaway, 100 days after, a year after, two years after. This year is the final ritual. After the mass and after cleaned the house and put everything back to its original place, Mom said to us - her children - : "It is all done. From now on, it's time to step forward and make a new living."

 

And so it is.... Mom and I start to concentrate in building our new baby business - it's a laundry business. It is not as though we will forget Dad, because there's still Mom that I think will always reminds me of him. After all, how else am I here, breathing and living, without  Dad? hehehe...

 

So, Dad, I hope you are listening up there. Rest in peace, Dad. Don't worry, we're okay here, and will try to keep on okay....:)... Sail on, Dad.....

 

Birthday's Wishlist on 2012

Last year, I made a thanksgiving note for each of nine days prior to my birthday.

This year, I had decided to make a wish-list instead. Like last year, I put them up as a status on my FB wall one by one everyday. And here they are :

#1: And There were None (Agatha Christie) - Indonesian version or Twilight - original version or City of Bones - original version

#2: an android cellphone with big key pads

#3: to be financially independent by next year

#4: visit Lake Toba and its Samosir Island 

#5: Visit Tana Toraja

#6: winning a hundred million jackpot and tax free

#7: to own a chain of refurbished old colonial houses

#8: able to take a holiday anytime anywhere

#9: share a birthday dinner with a certain twin someday....;)

They said that life is begun at 40. So here I am, finally found the courage to plant the foundation and take a first step forward. I hope Life will be so generous to me, to encourage me to keep on trying and making my dreams come true.....

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to me!!!

PS: ummmm....anyone is willing to grant me one of the wish-list above? hihihi....

Nightmares

Image source: beembe.com

Everyone has a bad dream sometimes while sleeping. Sometimes, this bad dream could happen more than once, makes it a reccurence nightmare for the person. Below are two of some recurrence nightmares I've experienced :

1) Back to college year

I really hate this kind of dream. Usually it started with me mounting a very high stairs and walking a very long corridor. Then, suddenly I was in a studio class with many drawing desks around. At the time, usually my sane brain reminded the other side of my brain that I had finished my college years, so there was no reason at all for me suferring the pressure all over again. And I woke up startledly.....

2) Couldn't find any decent bathroom

This is the most reccurence nightmare I have. In this kind of dream, usually I badly needed to be hurry to go somewhere, so I needed to take shower or just go to a toilet. Problem is, I always had difficulties to locate a nearest bathroom. Either there was always something that prevent me to go and find it, or I had to search till the end of a corridor. The next problem is, the bathroom I found always sooooo small, dark and not clean at all.

Whenever I had this nightmare, my sane brain had to work extra hard to wake me up. Usually, I woke up very tired.....and in need to go to the bathroom....hihihi...to ensure myself that it was only in my dream, that I have a spacey and clean enough bathroom in real world....hihihi....

See, there's always a part of my brain that always wake me up from any nightmares. When a bad dream become too strong, there's always a voice that telling me that it's just a dream, that I should wake up to cut the dream short. Hihihi....I think I'm very blessed with a very good guardian angel that watches over me 26 hours a day.....hihihi... I don't think I deserve it, but thank you, God...very much....

"Me" Time

image source : crashtestmommy.net

How many of you dream of a time for pampering yourself? A time where there's none will disturb you in doing something you like... A moment when time in this world may stop for a while...

If I list all of my daily activities, you may think that I am a very busy person....well, many of my friends thought so....hehehe... First of all, I have my job which I could describe generally as an administrative assistant. At home, I help my elderly Mom managing our home and taking care The Little One. As a social person, I belong to a youth catholic choir in my parish, that holds a weekly practice every Tuesday night at 8-10pm. On weekends, I spend most of the time doing my laundry, cleaning the house and shopping for the next week. So, when do I have my Me-Time?

Will you laugh if I say that my Me-Time mostly is whenever I'm at work? Hehehe...but it's true! Most of my working time, I spend it alone in the office. My colleagues usually work outside, either at a project or in our nursery. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that I work at a landscape contractor that also has an indoor plants nursery. So, usually in the morning, we all come into the office to talk about our schedule for today. Then, at the least on 9am, my colleagues depart to each schedule and I'll be left alone to do my tasks in my own time.... If there aren't anymore (urgently) to be done, then I do anything else to fill my time until the closing time....reading books, blogging, watching DVDs, playing games....or sleeping....hehehe....

Even when I'm ill, I prefer to report on duty, whenever my health allows me to stand up, of course....hehehe... Because whenever I'm absent from work, my cellphone won't stop ringing, either my colleagues or the boss keeps asking this or that. Apparently, everyone is stuck in the office. The incredible thing is, the moment I report on duty, they all will disappear from the office and I will be left alone again.....haizzzzzz....

Child or No Child?

Once, a friend asked how many children I would like to have in my family. At the time, I said that I always saw myself surrounded by five children and the oldest was a boy.

In a recent conversation with another friend, we discussed about having a child of our own. This time I said to this friend that if and when I finally get married, I think I don't want to get pregnant and have a child of my own. It's no longer my priority.

It is not a health issue. Many doctors say that nowadays 40yro women could be pregnant and deliver babies as safely as 30yro ones. It is more to my personal moral-responsibility. When you decide to deliver a person to this world, you'd better take a great responsible to raise him to become a good person.

At the moment, I have a little boy in my care. Although not my own, I always consider him as a part of my life. Through him, I have learnt how many patience I have to care for a child, to raise the little one become a good person....and it is very limited....hehehe... My mom is the one who teach the little one, from learning to read and count till studying Geographic. Her patience is so great, because the little one is not the easiest person to teach. I'm very thankful that Mom is still in a great shape in her old days, still be able to teach high school mathematics to the little one, while most of them has lost me...hehehe... Of course, I can't depend on her to be able to teach my next offspring, right? It is not fair for her....

In my dream, at age 40 and married, I should have been free from caring little children. Instead, I should be able to concentrate in building (or re-building) a sweet relationship with my better-half. So, I hope women won't say that I'm not fulfilling my destiny as a woman....I'll fight you over the "destiny" thing....hehehe... On the other side, I hope my better-half will agree with my principal, that I won't put my marriage on the urge to keep on our heredity.

Wish you all a Perfect Day today

One morning last week, I woke up with this song playing in my mind over and over again. At first, I couldn't remember who sang the song....I didn't even know the whole lyric...hihihi.... All in my mind was the sentence "....such a perfect day....dudududu....."

So, the first time I got a free time at work, I browsed the internet and found out that the song's title was Perfect Day, written by Lou Reed. Then, I searched the youtube and liked the most the Duran Duran's performance for the song. After that, I listened to the song over and over again, while wondering why, oh, why this song got caught in my brain.

Then I remembered something....February 14 is the Valentine's Day.... Oh, right, maybe that's why......hihihi.... Okay, I present this song as a sweet gift of the Valentine's Day for my friends and all of readers. Especially for a friend who is spending the moment at Bali trying to know more someone before taking a further step....I hope you know who you are....hihihi... 

Have a lovely quality time with your beloved...or to be beloved....

I hope you all have a perfect day...:)

Just a perfect day..
Drink sangria in the park
And later, when it gets dark
We go home

Just a perfect day..
Feed animals in the zoo
And later, a movie too
And then home

It's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spent it with you
Such a perfect day
You just keep me hanging on..
You just keep me hanging on..

Just a perfect day..
Problems all left alone
Weekenders on our own
Such fun

Just a perfect day
You made me forget myself
I thought I was someone else
Someone new

(chorus)

You're gonna reap, just what you sow....
You're gonna reap, just what you sow....
You're gonna reap, just what you sow....
You're gonna reap, just what you sow....
You're gonna reap, just what you sow....
You're gonna reap, just what you sow....

http://youtu.be/noZgx0xXKj8 

The Most Un-Impressive Christmas

Usually, Christmas and Easter time is the busiest moment for me. I'm belonging to a church choir that's always on duty on Christmas Eve and Holy Saturday. The preparation for the event usually is done since 2-3 months before. 

So, entering December - for example -, I will barely have any chance to take a breathe. Even decorating our Christmas Tree at home will become something that have to be planned carefully when to start. Luckily, the Roman Catholic Church always start to install the Christmas Tree after the 4th week of Advent. My family just follows the tradition and never put up the Christmas Tree earlier than that. So, during the 3 weeks before Christmas, I will fill up my time with intensive choir practices at least twice a week from 8pm till 11pm, hunting for Christmas gifts for The Little One on weekends, shopping for Mom....plus getting sick due to the flu viruses and tiredness.....hehehe...

Last year, my parish council decided to hold only ONE Christmas Eve Mass. They worried about the terrorism threat thats supposed to concentrate their act on our area that time. So, my choir wasn't on duty, but they had been given a chance to sing one song at the Mass Closure.

I could foresee that the only one Christmas Eve Mass would make everything became complicated. The security system made us couldn't park vehicles near the church. Then, I would have to compete with other thousand people to find a good seat, so we could follow the mass nicely. So, finally I decided not to attend the Christmas Eve Mass - for the first time as long as I could remember - , instead I attended the early morning mass.

About three nights before Dec 24, I was at church, waited for picking up The Little One from his Altar Boys practice. While waiting, I sat and watched the committee of Children and Youth community held the prep for the Children Mass. I was feeling a little peculiar....hehehe..usually at the same time, I would be busy practicing with my choir.

After attending the Christmas Morning Mass, I felt something missing. I felt as though I haven't celebrated Christmas at all, as though I just came home from attending another weekly mass. There was no queuing to take picture in front of the Christmas Tree at church. In fact, I took the picture on the last week before it was due to be taken off....hehehe... It was nice, actually, because I didn't have to queue nor wait for everybody to get away from my view....hihihi...

Growing Old(er????)

I'm not the person who keeps checking my age. Sometimes, I even have to count how old I am at the moment...hehehe... My family always celebrates the birthday of its member, so I should aware that I'm older each year. Strangely, I never felt that way.

Many times when I looked back to the my school days, I wondered where the difference was. I'm still wearing pants at the most. I still prefer cottons and casual clothes. And I still couldn't keep my make-up to hold on my face more than 3 hours....hahaha...

When I found a white hair on my head several years ago, I wasn't worried at all. Why? Because there's a gene from my father side that makes his children has white hairs even on our young ages....hihihi... Anyway, it becomes a good reason to color our hairs....hihihi...

What makes me realize that I'm almost 40 is my sight. This year, I found out that while wearing my minus 3 glasses, I can't read any bank forms or even newspapers. I have to put down the glasses, then I could read those minuscule sentences clearly. Yikes!!!! My eyes is growing older, faster than my way of life.....hihihi.... So, it's true that we can't beat the nature......I have to hurry my soul to catch up with my physical growth. Why??? Hey, don't you all know that my soul is still in seventeen? hahahahaha......

Enjoying My Solitude

During this month, May 2011, my schedule is mostly full, from Monday till Sunday. Each year on May, my city - Surabaya - is held a big event to celebrate its anniversary. It's called Surabaya Shopping Festival. It is a moment where we could buy things with a nice, big discount. It is also a good moment to see many promotions and exhibitions.

This year, I had a plan to use each weekend on May to shop and replenish the wardrobe of my little one. He became bigger so fast lately, that barely any of his gears fit in him. And there was also a suit of black trousers and white shirt he would need for his First Communion sacrament next month. Then, there was a wedding invitation from the brother of my good friend. And the monthly shopping, my routine 'beauty treatment'. Then, I needed to browse some softwares for my work...... For all of those plans, I only had FIVE weekends....so crowded and would be tiring so much, when I was seeing it at the beginning of May.

So, I organized every step I would had carefully to preserve my energy and health (at the time, I still had some illness leftover from the Easter week). I made a limit only visiting one place (read: mall) each times, and made sure that I still had enough time to rest every weekend.

Then, on the fourth Friday of May I had a nice surprise. My little one was scheduled to do a social activity with his Sunday School on Sunday morning till in the afternoon. Then, Mom announced that she was asked to go with the other members of our church committee for a weekend retreat. I did some calculate and found out that I would have a whole Sunday morning on my own....hmmmm....

So, there was I.... After a busy morning, preparing breakfast and washing clothes, I delivered the little one to his appointment and went back to an empty and silent home. Felt lonely? On the contrary!!! I felt soooooo relax for the first time during the month. I could feel that the time was slow down. No noise from TV or radio, which usually is turned on by Mom and the little one. I could play my online-game freely (because as a rule, I don't allow the little one play any games on computer....hehehe....). I was alone, but I didn't feel lonely.... I was just enjoying my solitude.

Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. It is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself. Solitude is desirable, a state of being alone where you provide yourself wonderful and sufficient company.

 

Full Moon

I always imagine a night under a full moon as a romantic moment. There would I be, sitting beside my loved one at the porch....the darkness of night surrounds us, only the bright yellow of the moon light on the landscape ahead....while we would be talking quietly, peacefully and enjoying the moment as though we're the only one who're still up at that night.

But the reality is a far different story. Mostly, I feel so blue and sad during the full moon period. Either it's because I would be just home tiredly from a tough choir practice, or because I would just recover from an illness. Strange, isn't it? hehehe... Or maybe I only realize that it's full moon when I'm alone....hahaha...

Hmmmm.....I think I have to concentrate to look for that loved one first...hahaha... Someone who's willing to sit and talk under a full moon without change into a werewolf or a vampire....hahahaha.. Oh, right, unless it's Edward Cullens...it will be okay then...hahahaha... 

To Love and To Possess

*

Apalah arti cinta,                                                     What's the meaning of loving you,

bila aku tak bisa memilikimu.                                  if I couldn't have you.

Apalah arti cinta,                                                     What's the meaning of loving you,

bila pada akhirnya takkan menyatu.                         if in the end we couldn't become one
 

**
Sesulit inikah jalan takdirku                                    Does my fate have to be this hard
Yang tak inginkan kita bahagia                               that it won't allow us to be happy?

***
Bila aku tak berujung denganmu,                            If I couldn't be with you in the end,
biarkan kisah ini kukenang selamanya.                  let me have this memory forever.
Tuhan, tolong buang rasa cintaku,                          God, please take away my love for him

jika tak Kau ijinkan aku bersamanya.                     if You don't mean us to be as one.

Back to * ** ***

Inilah saatnya aku harus melepaskan dirimu              This is the time for me to let you go....

Tuhan, tolong buang rasa cintaku                                  God, please take away my love for him
Jika tak Kau ijinkan aku bersamanya.                   if You don't mean us to be as one....

This is an Indonesian love song, performed by SHE, a new female band. Actually, I like the song very much, although I don't agree with the lyric 100%...hehehe....

Each time I hear this song, I remember one nice quote I got from an Indonesian movie called "AYAT-AYAT CINTA" (Verses of Love). No, I don't like the story of that movie. I had to watch the DVD, because I wanted to give it as a present for a friend and I had to check whether the English subtitle run smoothly. Anyway, I got this nice quote:

to love and to possess are two different things

And that's the point of my disagreement with the song above.

What's the meaning of loving someone, if you couldn't have him forever? Just that for me... That I love the person so much, enough to let him go. Hurt? Sure, 100%.....and maybe would need thousands years to heal my broken-heart, collect the pieces and move on....hehehe....*exaggerate mode: on*

And for sure I would never ask God to take away my love for the person, because of the good memories created from the feeling. The only thing I would ask from God is a tremendous strength to hold on and His comforting hands surround me while I collect any pieces left from my broken-heart. Because, indeed, to love and to possess are two different things. You could love something, but you may wouldn't have it. Many people have something, but don't love it. Yet, some people is blessed with love and have each other.

One thing I agree 100% from the song above is:

If I couldn't be with you in the end, let me have this memory forever.

Of course, all of these is only a theory...hehehe.... I may have to re-write the whole thing if the bad luck fells on top of me someday....hehehe... 

Be Careful What You Wish For

This is a title of an English novel written by Alexandra Potter, a birthday gift from a good friend of mine this year. Thank you, my friend, for remembering that I prefer to read a book using its original language....hehehe...

The book told us about a woman named Heather Hamilton who always wished for things...not just big stuff - like world peace or for a date with Brad Pitt - but little, everyday wishes, made without thinking. She thought that there was no way those little wishes of her would come true, but saying wishes relieved her upset mood in facing situations she didn't like. Until one day she bought a heather, a kind of good charm, from a gypsy woman. Suddenly the bad hair days stopped; a handsome American answered her ad for a housemate; and she started seeing James - The Perfect Man who sent her flowers, excelled in the bedroom, and wasn't afraid to say 'I love you'.... So many good luck happened on her, that of course she enjoyed it all....who wouldn't?...hehehe... But, then she started to doubt all of her good luck.....was it really what she needed? Until a bad event happened to her, that made her realized what she really wished for.....

Okay, this story is not a new thing for me. I've learnt for so long to be careful with anything I wish for. Not from my own experience, of course....hehehe.... I learnt from others' experience, from any folklores and from a movie called "BEDAZZLED". I even avoid so much making any wishes for my own advantages. I only make good wishes for friends and family, and I will wish it with all of my heart. Why don't I wish for myself? Because I worry that I couldn't handle the bad consequences from the wish. Because I hold on the theory of the balance in life. For each thing that goes up, there would be something else that has to go down. I don't want to be happy now, but broken down in the end. I don't even want to be happy on someone else's misfortune. Hmmmm....do I sound like a coward? hehehe....

Anyway, the book reminded me to carefully re-phrase a birthday wish for a friend who shared a same birthday date with me. In the end, just like in the "BEDAZZLED" movie, I just wished with all of my heart that this particular friend would be happy. Sounds a cliche, right? But its meaning is so deep.....hehehe....

And lastly, for all of my friends in this world, I wish you all a nice day.....

Where are My Saved SMS???

You may call me a romantic fool. I have this habit to save birthday wishes and special cute sms I received into my cell phone. I save the birthday wishes I got this year until new wishes arrive next year. It's kind of a good charm for me. Those wishes and the cute, nice sms could help me cheer up a little when things go down. See how foolish I am? hehehe...

This afternoon, two sms from a good friend of mine came in, waking me up from a long nap. After I read the last one, I immediately erased it before moving to the first..... And the disaster started!!! The system froze while in the process of erasing the last message. I waited for several seconds, because it had happened before many, many times. Still, the system frozen up. I pressed any buttons without any results at all. Then, I thought maybe it was because the battery was low.....so, I charged it....but nothing happened. I was so curious about the sms, that I was immediately online and chatted with my friend. Turned out that she invited me to join her friends watching THE EXPENDABLES at a cinema. After some hesitation, I finally agreed and brought along my non-functional cell phone.

On the way to the cinema, I told my friend about my phone problem. She suggested to take off the battery and put it on again. Okay, I did it....and it worked!!! My phone was functional again with a minimum battery capacity.....and more disaster following it.... I checked the data inside the phone and found out that I lost all of the sms I had received and saved. I was so devastated.....okay, I tried not to show it too much in front of my friends....hehehe....I have a cool image to maintain....hahaha... So, I tried to put my devastated mind off and decided to enjoy the movie.....hey, it's really a cool movie. It succeeded to cheer me up a little. But only for a while.....

I was alone again in my own room, recharging the battery of my cell phone, I watched my empty sms box sadly. How will I get all those precious messages again? Is it some kind of sign that I need to replace my phone. True, I had thought to buy a new one, but the consequences of losing those messages had put me off. I have no idea how to move them to a new phone.....it's not a file in the computer that one could easily burn it to a CD and move it to another place. And I still couldn't find the new model that I could accept as a better replacement than the present phone!!!! I'm a brand-minded in this kind of technology.....hiks....and the particular brand hasn't produced any new models for several years now....hiks, hiks, hiks....

Hiks, hiks, hiks.....I lost my precious momentos!!!!

I love you this much

It’s enough to be needed, it's enough to be you
Through the hopes in your happy life,
the light is slowly coming through
All that is taking is for love to show its best
And if I ever get it on with you,
then you lead the way


It’s enough to be with you, it’s enough to be there
I'm the words that you send or gave in through to me you get
Oh, what I do to come to talk with what you've got
And if it means singing back your mind,
then it never lost


#Oh, now and then I see myself for what I really am
  over here I keep discover on, then I got it in the can


But if it means that I ain’t gonna see you anymore
Take and shut up for a power,
stop to nail up all our doors
If I can be part of you, then I don’t have to leave
Cause other than the love of mine,
I’ve nothing else to give


#Oh, now and then I see myself for what I really am
  over here I keep discover on, then I got it in the can


And if one night I'm left alone with nothing else to do
I just sit at the the piano singing song that speak for you
Yes, I might get lonely and completely out of touch
But I’ll sacrifice my friends because I love you this much
I’ll just sacrifice my friends because I love you this much.....

**) This is an oldies song performed by Mouth & McNeal

Huh???

A long time ago....uff, okay, in my senior high school days (that's a very long time, truly!)...I had this tremendous crush toward a boy in my class. Although he never knew about my feeling (hopefully...hahahaha...because I really kept it secret), the crush went on till some time after we parted to continue our higher study.

This morning, I found his account in Facebook. Curious, I clicked it open....and I stared at his picture..... Where's the boy I fall in love with? I wondered to myself. Again and again I tried to match the face stared at me to my memory......and I am still wondering.

I guess it's true, that time and space would change our point of view. That what looked so wonderful before, would lost its charm when we looked back after some time went by. But, still a wondering thought keep appearing inside my mind......"Huh?????"