Got Struck by DHF

Saturday, 18 May 2013, I still kept active till 5pm. I only worked till midday that day, then met my sister at her new apartment and drove her to the airport. Due to the unusual traffic-jammed, I arrived very late at home and decided not to go to the church that evening like I used to do every Saturday. But I can't go and rest immediately. I had promised to deliver laundry to a client at 8pm.

As clocks went by during the waiting time, the temperature of my body slightly arose. Ok, I thought, it must be too fatigue.....so, I took an analgesic pill. When I delivered her laundry, my client also commented that I looked not well enough. That's alright, I told her, I just need a good sleep during weekend...... I should know better...hehehe...

Sunday morning, I woke up still with a rather high fever. The usual analgesic pill I took didn't help too much and I didn't dare to take too many that kind of medicine. My head can't handle the hangover it causes.....hehehe... So, I just stayed home all day and rest, hoped that my temperature would go down. It did on the evening.

Two days fever had left me quite weak, so I decided not to go work on Monday. I just hoped that another day of resting would make me ready to face the world again on Tuesday. Alas, as the day went by, my temperature was back running high again. Made Mom worried and forced me to check my blood to the nearby laboratory on Tuesday morning. The result : my thrombocyte count was only 107,000 from normally above 150,000.....I was positively DHF!

What is DHF? It's Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever, usually is caused by a virus from a certain mosquito's' bites. What kind of mosquito? It's called Aedes aegypti. So, it is quite normal, I guess, if the doctor and my visitors asked where I was bitten by those mosquitoes....at home or at work? I think I got them more confused when I said that unlikely there were any mosquitoes at those places.....hehehe... It's true, nevertheless....hehehe....

Anyway, that DHF attack made me had to stay at the hospital for one week, and at some point made my doctor quite panic because my thrombocyte count decreased very rapidly till only 14,000. At that level, I could have nosebleeds or shock. I got neither...hehehe... Even that normal sign of DHF, the blood spots in the skin, appeared on my feet only after the thrombocyte count increased. My doctor said jokingly that maybe the extra fat in my body was the one that had helped me to keep strong.....and I agreed....hehehe...

When I was finally allowed to go home, I think I left something more than just my illness at the hospital. Till now, I still don't know what things had been lost. After three days rest at home, I struggled to get back on the road, back to the old routine....both work and my own business. I preferred it, rather than continuously thinking about the lost things....hehehe...

Very much thanks for my sister who had decided to go home and accompany me during my stay at the hospital. And I hope God bless my Mom who had driven me to and from hospital, and also taken care my laundry business while I was unavailable. I love you all....:)....and the Little One too, of course......:)

Gasses in My Stomach

During the last two months, I'd been twice struck by gastritis. The first one was on December, I kind of expected it, because I was just under a long stress.....four months of working alone on 4 different projects with a tight deadline each. Nevertheless, I was also a little surprised when it attacked me. All of my works were already behind me for a week, so I was just enjoying lazy moments at work.There was no usual signs of discomfort like before. I still ate normally, till suddenly I got a stomachache on Sunday night, just before I planned to go to bed. In the end, I was unable to sleep at all and couldn't report to work on Monday morning. Made quite a havoc at the office, too....hihihi....since my boss had received an invitation for a follow-up meeting with a client....hehehe...

The recovery took a long time. I think mostly because I pushed myself back to work the very next day. Plus, there were several new customers for my laundry business. It means I couldn't have enough rest as much as my body need it. At least, two times a week I have a very looooong day, start at 5am and won't end before 10pm. Sometimes, the moment I reach home from work, I will depart again to deliver the laundries. No time to rest, not even for a little snack. And that's when the second struck came by.....

Last month, I was down again from gastritis. Thankfully, this time it attacked on Saturday. Of course, it means I spent the weekend feeling sick....hihihi...so much waste....hihihi.. It was almost three weeks ago, and  I still feel not 100% recovered till now. At the positive side, the last two months I had lost weight more than a year cycling....hahahaha...

Twice got sick by the same illness alerted me. Something needed to change, because I had no time to get sick. Now, I always make sure that there's some snacks ready in the car during the delivery day, so I won't get suffered from having late dinner or none at all. I'm also supported by some antacid pills for a while. I hope those two will help to keep the gasses in my stomach happy and calm down....:)

The After-effect of Fever

I rarely surrender to any illness. Well, mostly I only suffer from an allergic to any weather-changes, or gastroenteritis. And I always try to get ahead from any signs of illness. Why? Because I have too many things to be done....no time to get sick...hihihi....so exaggerated, huh? hihihi....

 

Anyway, there's one aspect of illness I hate at the most. It's called FEVER.

I know that fever is actually a good sign. It means my antibody is active and fight hard to kill any germs that attack my body. Trouble is, while I could stay up and fully functional although I suffer from a bad cough for 3 months, once I'm struck by a fever, I lost all of energy I have in a mere of hour. And it won't stop there....

 

Once I get a fever, it means I need to take a medicine to help me get over it soon and back to my feet (and my daily activities....hihihi....). Oh, sure it will help me getting through the fever attack. I could sleep. The soreness all over my body will disappear. And in a mere hours, my temperature will get down to normal again....

When the fever leaves my body, it also take away my strength. As soon as I could stand still and no longer feel happy just stay in bed, I will immediately back to work. While I'm very eager to depart, twenty minutes driving to the office will rob my entire energy, and I will reach the office feeling very weak and shaking. Well, that's not a big problem....I could steal a nap whenever I need....hihihi...and there's hot drink I could take to boost my energy.

The big problem after I got a fever is sleeping. While I could sleep during the fever attack, the first night afterwards I will unable to sleep. Why? Because I get nightmare. In that dream, I always feel like being watched or chased. But I can't runaway, sometimes I even feel like sucked up into emptiness. Sometimes I succeed to runaway very fast, till I fly away like a balloon (now I know how the loose-balloon feels...hihihi...). It wakes me up and keeps recurring no matter how strong I will my brain to close and stop the nightmares. So I will feel unrefreshed next morning. Added to the very limited energy I have, it's quite a hard struggle to stay focus during the working hours and driving home afterwards.

How long will it go on? Usually till the next weekend, when I have time enough to rest my mind and sleep all day. See, one day fever, and I need a week to convalescence.. A wasting time indeed....hihihi....

 

Fallen Ill on Weekend

My body have a peculiar habit: only to get sick on vacations.... Not happened automatically, of course...hehehe.... I used to train my brain to take control what should be happened on my body at certain times. That way, I could minimize any damages, especially on critical and most important moments. Of course, sometimes it also ruined my vacation....who wants to stay on bed while you have the whole day to have fun? Uh, wait a minute...stay on bed all day is also fun...hahahaha....

Last week, the third week of November 2012 was a busy time for me. Plus, there was an extra vacation in the middle of the week. On Monday, I had a feeling that was something wrong in my body. Finally three months under the extreme heat of our dry season had begun to affect me. Too many iced waters, sleep under AC or fan turned on at maximum speed combined with less of quality sleep at night.

Fine - I thought - let's go back and drink more hot waters, instead iced ones. I don't have time to fall ill on this week, there are so many things to be done....so I thought.

On Wednesday, I felt a PMS coming over. Usually it was no problem for me. But maybe because my condition was slightly under the usual form, I felt that I need to take an antacid as a precaution. And everything run smoothly as planned...

On Saturday, as usual when on vacations, I prefer to eat light and fresh food, like salads. The extreme heat that day made me reluctant to eat anything else. So, for lunch and dinner I just had one of  Indonesian salad called asinan. It's consisted of tofu, potatoes, bean sprouts covered with mixture sauce of crushed peanut and vinegar. It's quite refreshing for a hot day. Too bad, I can't show the picture of it, because I practically ate the most of it....hehehe....

And that was the trigger of my suffer. Everything was still okay till midnight. I was still up, playing online games when suddenly I felt a very bad stomachache. I couldn't sleep at all, spent every two hours going to the bathroom, felt there were so many gasses playing around in my abdominal. On Sunday morning, I couldn't keep stay up for long.... And in the afternoon I developed a slight fever. Fortunately, after that the antacid I took finally worked. But I had already lost so many energy, that I had to skip work on Monday...made a havoc in the office....hehehehe....

Have I already been fit again today? That's still a big question.....hehehe... I have been back to work since yesterday, still not on 100% good condition. But still I need to go, there are so many things waiting for my attention...and so many chaos stories, too....[sigh!]... I'm still having trouble to sleep these last two nights....the after-effect of my illness... My body insists to take its own time to heal, apparently....hahaha...

Running Away

These days, my hours has been filled with many problems, many confrontations. 

At the workplace, business has been stalled. I guess it's typically of many businesses lately. It needs a new blood to survive and for a chance to grow bigger. And to do that, it would need new equipments and - more important - new hiring workers. Unfortunately, the owner refuse to spend any money for that, but it never stops him for demanding a bigger and bigger income every time.

At home, I have to deal with an almost teenager who frequently head to head with his elderly grandma. Small matters could become a very big row. I try to keep calm and patient, but it also makes a fire deep inside me flare up and I can feel it's ready to explode anytime....

Sometimes, when I'm feeling so tired, I wish that I could leave everything behind for a while and go for a holiday. Just me. In a five star hotel, with a cable TV and good food. What will I do? Just spend all day on the bed....:P...sleeping, watching CSI and How I Met Your Mother.

Then, I thought the afterwards. After the short holiday, I have to come back home, back to the routinity, back to all of the problems..... Yikes!!!!

It seems running away won't solve my problems....only dry out my saving account...

It would be much better to face them, and try to solve it step by step, one by one. And hoping that during the stressful way, I will encounter some delightful detours that makes my heartache and tiredness is worthwhile....:)

The Rage in Me

Generally, I rarely get myself into an anger state. I always try to shove away things that could make me angry, and I also try not to bother too much about what other people think or say. Why? Because I have this notion that in anger, I will end up either crying or hurting my enemy very badly.

This weekend, I was so shocked because I got into a big and long anger. The worst is, it still hasn't stopped while I'm writing this.

I started my weekend on Saturday morning quite peacefully, actually. It seemed like I hadn't had any weekend for a long time. I was expecting a wonderful weekend, spent equally between friendship, family and my own privacy time. On Saturday afternoon, I felt the first raging fire inside me.

I was driving to the church and had to pick up a friend of Mom on the way. It was a narrow street, so I turned on the turn signal and parked to the left lane as far as possible, so I didn't blocked the traffic. Then, there was this car behind me which kept blow its horn. I had moved forward a little to give more space so the car behind me could pass from the right side. Still the noisy sound hadn't stopped, while other vehicles had already passed through. Finally the car moved.....it paused beside my car while the driver yelled and swore at me. My head blew up and for the first time in my life, I swore back at him. And it didn't stop there. While the car passed through, I felt a hot air shot up inside my veins and I wished that I was a witch so I could put bad spells on him....yes, not ONE spell, but many suffering spells. I became an ugly wild monster....hehehe....

On our way to the church, I tried so hard to cool my anger. And it was so hard. Every time my mind was back to that incident, the hot air kept surging up inside me. I even asked God to help me cool down, still it had blackened all of my weekend.....well, except the time I spent with a friend at a beauty center....it was quite fun....hihihi... But, on other things, it made me easily getting upset. From trying to see through the little one's tantrums till waiting for a reply from a friend that still haven't come through. This afternoon, all of them came flooding my mind, made me so upset and ended up crying on the way home. Thank for the helmet that disguised my tears from people's eyes.....hehehe... 

There, now you all know about one ugly side of me. So, please, oh, please.....try not to provoke me deliberately, will you? I try to keep my human dignity, thank you.....hihihi.....

Full Moon

I always imagine a night under a full moon as a romantic moment. There would I be, sitting beside my loved one at the porch....the darkness of night surrounds us, only the bright yellow of the moon light on the landscape ahead....while we would be talking quietly, peacefully and enjoying the moment as though we're the only one who're still up at that night.

But the reality is a far different story. Mostly, I feel so blue and sad during the full moon period. Either it's because I would be just home tiredly from a tough choir practice, or because I would just recover from an illness. Strange, isn't it? hehehe... Or maybe I only realize that it's full moon when I'm alone....hahaha...

Hmmmm.....I think I have to concentrate to look for that loved one first...hahaha... Someone who's willing to sit and talk under a full moon without change into a werewolf or a vampire....hahahaha.. Oh, right, unless it's Edward Cullens...it will be okay then...hahahaha... 

Where are My Saved SMS???

You may call me a romantic fool. I have this habit to save birthday wishes and special cute sms I received into my cell phone. I save the birthday wishes I got this year until new wishes arrive next year. It's kind of a good charm for me. Those wishes and the cute, nice sms could help me cheer up a little when things go down. See how foolish I am? hehehe...

This afternoon, two sms from a good friend of mine came in, waking me up from a long nap. After I read the last one, I immediately erased it before moving to the first..... And the disaster started!!! The system froze while in the process of erasing the last message. I waited for several seconds, because it had happened before many, many times. Still, the system frozen up. I pressed any buttons without any results at all. Then, I thought maybe it was because the battery was low.....so, I charged it....but nothing happened. I was so curious about the sms, that I was immediately online and chatted with my friend. Turned out that she invited me to join her friends watching THE EXPENDABLES at a cinema. After some hesitation, I finally agreed and brought along my non-functional cell phone.

On the way to the cinema, I told my friend about my phone problem. She suggested to take off the battery and put it on again. Okay, I did it....and it worked!!! My phone was functional again with a minimum battery capacity.....and more disaster following it.... I checked the data inside the phone and found out that I lost all of the sms I had received and saved. I was so devastated.....okay, I tried not to show it too much in front of my friends....hehehe....I have a cool image to maintain....hahaha... So, I tried to put my devastated mind off and decided to enjoy the movie.....hey, it's really a cool movie. It succeeded to cheer me up a little. But only for a while.....

I was alone again in my own room, recharging the battery of my cell phone, I watched my empty sms box sadly. How will I get all those precious messages again? Is it some kind of sign that I need to replace my phone. True, I had thought to buy a new one, but the consequences of losing those messages had put me off. I have no idea how to move them to a new phone.....it's not a file in the computer that one could easily burn it to a CD and move it to another place. And I still couldn't find the new model that I could accept as a better replacement than the present phone!!!! I'm a brand-minded in this kind of technology.....hiks....and the particular brand hasn't produced any new models for several years now....hiks, hiks, hiks....

Hiks, hiks, hiks.....I lost my precious momentos!!!!

The Twilight on Sundays

......."It's the safest time of day for us," he said, answering the unspoken question in my eyes. "The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night......

(Twilight, Stephenie Meyer)

The moment I hate most is Sunday evenings. It is the time when I feel most lonely, so blue, so melancholic. Especially, when I have nothing to do and have to stay at home.

That's why, whenever I could, I would manage to go out and spend the day outside, preferably browsing malls....hehehehe... Still, I prefer not to be home too late. Otherwise, I would be so tired out and it wouldn't be good for my performance on Monday morning. Then, I would be in two consecutively bad days.....hahahaha....

But sometimes, I feel so lazy to go out. And that's when I have to face the worst moment in a week. The sign of the end of the week and the beginning of another unpredictable week. What would I do to handle it? Reading a book...preferably the one which could give me an excuse to cry and release my blue mood. Online and chatting with friends, if I would be so lucky.... Blogging, if I have an urge to write and share my view. Or, watching a good movie on television...which is so rarely happened....hehehehe...

Wow, it's 8.25pm now! The time finally passed by.......

Good bye, Sunday evening.....now, I'm ready to embrace the night and fallen asleep!

My Angel Name

Recently, while I was browsing my Facebook account, my eyes got caught at the application namely Angel Name Generator. I love this name generator and had played several times before. Since I was curious what my angel name would be, I played the generator. And the result was........NATHANIEL The Angel of Fire.

The first time I saw the name, all I could thought was: "Huh?????"....hahahaha.....I didn't know any angel named Nathaniel. And it made me more curious. So, I googled the name and found two websites that gave a clear description about Nathaniel.

According to Worldwide Mediums and Psychics, Angel of Fire Nathaniel means "gift of God". He is lord over the element of fire, a powerful gift from God. He is constantly watching for spiritual fires of aspiration rising from earth. He transfers the fire aspect of divinity to our world where it transforms consciousness from the limited self to the eternal self by burning away misconceptions that would have us believe that we are separate from God.

Okay, I couldn't understand 100% what those words above meant...hehehe... Then I searched through google once again, and found this interesting blog...

Actually, the article in the blog was about an oracle card, which called Angel Nathaniel. I quoted a part that drew my attention:

.......... When this card comes to us it means that Angel Nathaniel is guiding us to call upon him so that he can bring these divine flames to whatever is limiting us as an obstacle at the moment. When one is being cleansed of something, it tends to show up in the forms of:

• becoming super aware of what needs to be changed in life, what action needs to be taken in order to produce forward movement,
• the sudden desire to withdraw from interactions and beliefs that tend to limit our power instead of helping us to embrace it,
• the desire to become clear about what needs to be organized within our lives so that we can create a deeper sense of focus, concentration, and the understanding of what our true goals are.

Angel Nathaniel also brings the awareness of healthy limitation as fire can be a symbol of energy that needs to be used with caution, respect, and boundries.

When I read and tried to absorbe the meaning of those sentences above, I suddenly remembered about my previous writing about the confused feeling in me. And I was a little shocked when realized that somehow there was a connection between these two. It was like someone offered me an answer to the heaviness in me. So surprised, that I checked and played the name generator three times already! And the results were always the same....Nathaniel the Angel of Fire. I started to think that this particular angel is sent as my guardian angel...hehehe.....

So, in the end I read these pray below, to ask Angel Nathaniel to come into my heavy thoughts for a mini angel treatment:

Angel Nathaniel, we welcome you into our sacred energy and space for the healing and restoration of our divine passions.
Where there was heaviness, fear, and emotional wounds, let your divine fires cleanse away the heavy energies of our spirit so that light, confidence, love, wholeness, and passion for living can surface.
Thank you for the divine assistance and I look forward to seeing how this angelic purification manifests in my world....................

Confusion

There have been so many things happened during these three months in my life. In one part, it was as though God granted me what I wished for so long at the exact time when I really needed a way out. In another, it had also pushed me into a fast lane that made me have to jump forward without stop and think for a moment.

When the time standstilled for a while, suddenly I found myself in no-man's land. Sure, the new environment made a space for me, but I couldn't fit in without getting crushed. And I refused to be crushed, not when the old place kept calling me to be back to them. I reasoned that since so many changes has been happened on me, at least I had to have something solid in which I could bury myself if there would be something bad happened in the other aspects of my life. So, okay, before the time started to roll me under again, I jumped out and responded to the old place. And what I found?

After won my sympathy and made me jump back to them, the old place made me waiting for another week to start. And now I'm spending my extra holiday by wondering what it all means? Making me once again having second thought about my decision, whether I'd better stop here or walk away again. Whether it is the right decision or not. It even had made me couldn't concentrate at the evening mass last night. Well, not just this problem...there was also another thing bothering my mind, but it's another story..hehehe...

In the middle of thick cloud surrounding my mind, I heard the voice of my Priest gave sermon about choices and consequences. That every step we take will have its own consequence(s). That we shouldn't worry, because no matter what, God will help us anytime we ask and need. Actually, I had read something similar one day before, when every confusions started to arise inside my mind. But it couldn't stop me worrying and thinking.

At this time, I'm sort of giving my confusion in God's hand. Yes, I'm still worrying...it is after all a part of my caracter - the need to be sure of where I belong to. But I also realised that I had made a choice, no matter which direction it was. That I had to make a best of it. That I have to believe that everything is happened for a reason. That God won't give me more than I could handle. I just wish I will be strong enough to face it.........

Anticlimax after the Hustle and Bustle of Christmas Prep

This morning, December 25, I woke up very late, felt so tired after the performance with the choir on Christmas Eve Mass. But I had to wake up after all, to help my nephew getting ready for the children mass at 7.30am. Then Mom told me about her plan to visit Dad's grave after the mass. Okay, count me in, I said to her. Shortly after that, my brother who stayed for Christmas weekend told me his plan to go back home for a short time, to see whether everything's all right. Okay...so, the whole plan for the day was (1) visiting Dad's grave; (2) go to my brother's home.

We finally came home at 3pm, after did those two original plans above, plus picked up my brother's wife at her parents' house. At home, I checked the Blackberry my office gave for my use and saw there were two messages. At once, my feeling became very dark. Okay, I know that the project division in my office has no holiday at all. But they should know that I'm in the finance department and is in holiday till January 3. I had wasted the first day of my holiday to go to the office and did some work to help them. Still several messages came in asking about this and that, that already out of my power to make it work. So, finally, clearly (and I hope politely) I said that of my opinion to the sender. That I had done my job in accordance with the standard procedure, and everything should be ok normally. Then, I shut the Blackberry and went to sleep with bad mood.

Woke up this evening, I went straightly online and checked my emails. There were so many emails from an astrology website. Recently, I ignored them....straightly deleted them without open and read it. This time, because I didn't see anyone interesting to be poked (hihihi.....!), I read each of them. And....there, one of them was so fit with my feeling this afternoon :

Here is your Daily AstroSlam for Friday, December 25

Duh! It's Christmas day. Why'd you go into work? You're so clueless; you forgot you had the day off. Now that you're out and about, why not do something nice for the poor, pathetic souls begging in the street? You may redeem this day after all.

Okay, I may overlook the two last sentences...hehehe.... But, the previous sentences were quite true. This is after all my day-offs. I have the right to ignore my work, and I don't have to feel bad to point that out to my colleagues.

 

Ok, now, I'd better act nice towards my nephew who had to step aside waiting for me finished writing this...hehehe... He wants to stay awake and watch HOME ALONE 3 at 8pm, which I doubted very much about his ability to wait till that time...hihihi....he's already asleep!!

 

Bored to Death

For several days...no, weeks...to be more exact.....well, it had been unbearably very hot here at Surabaya, Indonesia. The heat had seeped my energy, that made me soooooooo lazy in working hours.

For more almost two weeks now, I've been totally alone in the office. I am usually working alone, but not all of the time. The Boss has sent all of my colleagues...the two of them hehehe....doing a field job, leaving me 100% in charge of the office.

Today, I really, really, really felt bored. I had forced myself to do a little work that is not so urgent. After lost all of my will and work spirit, I turned to the computer games. Only worked for an hour. Then, I decided to work on the Christmas choir preparation....translating a music sheet. It was quite complicated and made me so tired and sleepy. So after lunch, I decided to take a nap....yup, at the office....hehehe....it's empty after all! After an hour, I woke up in sweats. Yikes! Even the minimum temperature of Air Conditioning couldn't make the indoor weather much comfortable!

Once again, I forced myself to concentrate on the music sheet, and chatted with a friend and browsed the internet altogether. Thank God, the weather became a little cooler just now. And finally I could finish the music sheet.

Hmmm....there's a few minutes before the closing time. Aha! Rendezvous with Edward Cullen......I do miss him so much! Now.....sssshhhhh! I'm reading the Twilight again......hihihi...!

My End-of-the-Holidays Gloom

During these 13 years working for living, the company has only granted me one chance of long holiday every year. It's the week of Idul Fitri, the big Indonesian Moslem's holiday.

These last several years, I've been desperately trying to use the holiday to banish my boredom spirit, so I could report back on duty refresh and have a clear eyes. The way I used to during school days' holidays. I remember that I was always so eager to be back to school again after a week holiday, to meet my classmates.

This year, I thought I would be more successful than previous years in trying to lift up my working mood during this holiday. But no, sadly I found out that I was seeing the coming Monday in gloomy mood. And all because of the message I received from my colleague yesterday. It wasn't my friend's fault, of course. I'm sure she only did it with the best intention. But nevertheless it had reminded me so strongly about the task I would face no matter how I hate it, the routine, the same working space, the same problem years after years. In the end, I lost any fun I got from the holiday....and it left me feeling empty. Just the same like all of my holidays at the previous years.

Now, I just try to relax, grasp any activities to put any thought about the upcoming Monday behind me. Trying to exorcist my end-of-the-holidays gloom. For all of my friends who has so much luck and will certainly find the new breath in coming back on duty...I'm so happy for you, wish I could be on the same boat!

Everyone is waiting for something....

Normally, I don't care too much the film genre such "The Terminal" starred by Tom Hanks. Too serious...hehehe... But, the fact is I had watched this movie twice on TV. Well, okay, because there was no other interesting programs and I didn't feel sleepy at the time.

The first time, I watched it just for filling my time before went to bed. The second time was happened recently. This time, I absorbed several things from the movie. One of them is the title above. It's one of Victor Navorski's (Tom Hanks) dialogues in his conversation with Amelia (Catherine Zeta-Jones).

Everyone is waiting for something... I am waiting for a certain thing that I could see now would never come today while I write this. I am waiting for my birthday wishes being granted while I live in my life every day. And most certainly I am waiting for my questions and doubts to be answered clearly and thoroughly.

Finally, right now I am waiting for the right moment to poke someone very hard for making me waiting all day!!! Oh, well, better get some sleep. Otherwise, not only I suffered from "I HATE MONDAY" Syndrome...it would be continued and become "I HATE TUESDAY, TOO!!!!!"

What are you waiting for?

My 24hr Guardian Angel

Recently, a friend asked me how I knew that a new acquaintance tried to fool or trick me. All I could give as the appropriate and simple answer is that I have an oversensitive radar.

This special radar is my personal Guardian Angel who works 24 hours a day, seven days a week, non stop. I always see it as a sign that God really exists and cares about me. Not that I'm really a religious person, mind you....hahaha....!

How does it work? I don't know for sure. I could feel the alarm goes off just because I read something between lines of his messages. Or from the way he expressed himself. I could feel doubts mount up in me when I stumbled across a few little, supposedly-unimportant details but in fact couldn't match to anyplace at all.

I'm not the one who could easily asking about any private information. About religion, or marital status, or even birthday. Never I do that on purpose. But, when I saw some interesting opening, I would use the chance to find out more. Once again, never intentionally. I would casually give a comment on that specific opening, let the person tell me more about it on his own time. And during that time, I just sit back, open my eyes and ears. Listen to or reading his stories. Make a connection from one info to the others. Trying to fit everything in its place, all the while listening to what my Guardian Angel whispers in my ears.

Many times this ultra sensitive radar has saved me from wasting my time. But, there were also times that I wished that it was a false alarm. That it was only my prejudice. Sadly, the time had proved that my Guardian Angel had really work extremely well.

Now, once again I am facing the same despair. My alarm had went off twice so far. The first time had been explained neatly. I'm still waiting for the progress of the second alarm. I do really, really hope that this time I would find a genuine friendship, free from any lies and tricks. Why is it so difficult to be found nowadays?

The Time Lapse

It has been quite long since my last writing. The workload, the intensive choir rehearsals added to my Father's illness had drained my energy and writing mood. Sometimes the stress had bubbled an idea to be poured and shared. But it had become a blank mind no sooner than facing the computer screen. In fact, I just checked that there were several unfinished materials in my files, that I no longer had any idea how to finish it. I don't even know why I wrote it at the first place...hehehe...

Now, I'm determined to go back on the track and start to write again. But......how hard it is!!! My brain is frozen still, locked. Too much raw materials in it has made me blank, jumping from one idea to another and another. But I must take the first step now......and will take another tomorrow. Hehehe...must get some sleep now, or I'll be late tomorrow and having I-Hate-Monday Syndrome all day.....hahaha...and it won't do any good for everyone.

So, welcome me back in circulation!

A Friday Night Without Television

As a general rule, I'm not the one who spends most of the time watching television. I'd prefer listening to the radio, the activity that enable me to do something else altogether without ruining my concentration at all.

For quite a long time now, I am only depended on my MP-3 collections or television just to listen to some musics. My radio refused to make any voice at all. Pretty soon, I was bored listening to the MP-3, although it's all favourites. So, I turned to the television as my only savior in waiting for the sleepy come at night.

Last night, when I was reading my Twilight E-book in my laptop (again....hahaha...!) and trying to follow the story of Green Rose (a Korean drama) at a TV station altogether, suddenly the TV screen turned blue. Other colors was disappeared. Yep, my TV needs a repairman! And that couldn't be done in a sec!

So, this afternoon, home from the office, I faced a possibility of long night without any entertainment beside reading in silent. Very convenient time, when I was feeling so melancholic tonight! Or so I thought......

After dinner and a little chatting with Mom, I decided to read my Twilight E-book series (again.....hohoho...sorry, I still couldn't shake my addiction to it at all!) In waiting my rather ancient laptop to start its system, I thought how perfect it would if I could also listen to some oldies songs. So, in an attempt I turned on my radio. The cable power was loose, so I fastened it....need a little force, since I found it a little hard to attach the cable in place firmly. Suddenly the voice blasted on from its speakers. Yay, the radio is on! And I found a perfect station which played the needed songs....oldies and all about love!

So, I have found my little heaven today. The television could take the time as long as it's needed to get re-shape. I have my Twilight E-books, some other novels too just in case I would be tired sitting and reading on my laptop, and the radio singing the bunch of my favourite songs, more than my MP-3, with no time limits at all and without any rewind needed. Long live radio!!!!

Now, hush....one of my favourite songs is starting....... Smile for me...........

TWILIGHT: Edward Cullen, Prince Charming and Reality

At the beginning, I never considered to take my friend's offer for loan and read the book. The reason is quite simple. The book is written in the first person style, it would make me as though reading some one's diary....yuck, a violence of private boundaries! Hahaha....!

When the movie is launched, the bombastic review won me over. So, I decided to watch the movie first, so it wouldn't ruin the imagination I usually build myself in reading the book/source. And yes, it is very good in my opinion. Furthermore, the book is five star, so I wouldn't mind to save some money and add it into my library. The catch in my present live and dreams is the love story which once again started to shake and push me into the boundary between dreams and reality.

Every woman in this world has their own of Prince Charming, so do I. And the characteristic of my Prince is so close to the stereotype of Edward Cullen. Mind me....not the Actor, but the Book's Hero! Not necessarily thin, but strong and tall, eagle's eyes, mature, dependable and wise, humorist, too....and many things I couldn't find the exact word to describe it. Like a fiction hero, doesn't it? Yep....I think the same whenever I begin to list everything my-Mr. Right-Guy should have. An acquaintance once said that I set up a too-high-standard to achieve it. So, what? I'm an idealist after all when it comes to give my heart...hahaha...!

Somehow, for sometime now I tried to be more realistic and more or less lessen up my standard, give a chance for someone who is really far-far-away-from-my-ideal and let him build a spider web around us (hilarious? horror? I myself don't know for sure....hahaha!) I even gave him a permission to meet me in the upcoming holiday, although I am also sort of hoping he couldn't get any accommodation since I only told him recently.

And then I saw this movie. Read the book. Hunting some pics of it for my computer's wallpaper. Whereas the man bombarded me with sms and night-calls. And I can feel a panic, restless feeling rise in me. Why should I waste my time and his, when I still couldn't feel any attraction to him. All I had done is fencing around any of his moves. Waiting for a better person, but also still clutch him in my sight. The idealism in me wake up and try to make me hold any move forward before everything go wrong.

So much things going around in my mind at nights for sometime now. As though it isn't enough with so much long and tiring practices for Christmas Choir, added to the more and more ill-feeling I have in my workplace situation. Now, all I want is that the holiday come soon, that I would get that job I was interviewed yesterday, and that I could really find a good reason to end this un-settled-relationship one way or other. Nope, I don't want to see that far into future. All I want now is the day get over soon, so I could go home, read the second book of Stephanie Meyer and go back into my romantic dreams....THANK GOD, IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!

Drifted Away

I had been so deep in blue mood. Everything looked so dark, that seeped almost all of my forever-carefree spirit. I just tried to survive every other day. My online presence was invisible. In fact, I was rarely online those days. Did I work during those time? Not unlikely....hahaha...at least, not for a quite long time. Couldn't concentrate at all, so I kept moving around my desk, did a little of this and a little of that, just to while away the time.

Sometimes, there was a thought to write something in my blog. But, unfortunately, my english vocabulary also fled from my brain.....took refuge in other safe, sunny place, I thought...hehehe....! That's the reason for my so long inactivity.

Am I finally coming ashore? Maybe, but this is November, the time when every preparation to celebrate Christmas must be started. And I do love Christmas season. Furthermore, there wouldn't be any other person than myself who could lift me up to the sunny, warm place. And the newest James Bond movie helped a lot....hahaha... Finally, a good, full action movie come around again!!!